Yet another variation on a theme... 
If Men Truly Ran The World
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
1. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the butt and a "Nice
hustle, you'll get 'em next time," would pretty much do it.
2. Birth control would come in ale or lager.
3. Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only
occur in leap years.
4. On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to
go drinking. Mother's Day, too. Father's Day is a gimme, definitely!
5. St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it
would be celebrated every month.
6. Garbage would take itself out.
7. Regis and Kathy Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed
off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event
in world history. Sequeled by Oprah and Sally Jesse.
8. The only show opposite "Monday Night Football" would be "Monday
Night Football from a Different Camera Angle." One angle for each channel.
9. Instead of "beer-belly," you'd get "beer-biceps."
10. Tanks would be far easier to rent.
11. Two words... "Ally McNaked."
12. When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you
responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in: Cop: "You
know how fast you were going?" You: "All I know is, I was spilling my
beer all over the place." Cop :"Nice one, That's $10.00 off."
13. People would never talk about how fresh they felt. Amen!
14. Daisy Duke shorts would never go out of style again. I said Ay-men!
15. Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.
16. Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.
17. The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and
display the heads of the losers.
18. It would be perfectly legal to steal a Ferrari or Lamborgini, as long as
you returned it the following day exactly like you took it and a full tank of gas.
19. Instead of a fancy, expensive engagement ring, you could present
your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said "You're #1!"
20. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the
game, she'd appear in a little box ala picture in a picture (muted of course) in the corner of the screen during a time-out (unmuted). Hey that's when you go grab a beer or go to the bathroom so no big deal right?
21. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an
acceptable response to "I love you"
22. The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
23. "Sorry I'm late, but I got wasted last night," would be an
acceptable excuse for tardiness.
24. At the end of the workday a whistle would blow and you would
jump out of your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and
right into your car, like Fred Flintstone.
25. Hallmark would make, "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.
If Men Truly Ran The World
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
1. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the butt and a "Nice
hustle, you'll get 'em next time," would pretty much do it.
2. Birth control would come in ale or lager.
3. Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only
occur in leap years.
4. On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to
go drinking. Mother's Day, too. Father's Day is a gimme, definitely!
5. St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it
would be celebrated every month.
6. Garbage would take itself out.
7. Regis and Kathy Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed
off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event
in world history. Sequeled by Oprah and Sally Jesse.
8. The only show opposite "Monday Night Football" would be "Monday
Night Football from a Different Camera Angle." One angle for each channel.
9. Instead of "beer-belly," you'd get "beer-biceps."
10. Tanks would be far easier to rent.
11. Two words... "Ally McNaked."
12. When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you
responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in: Cop: "You
know how fast you were going?" You: "All I know is, I was spilling my
beer all over the place." Cop :"Nice one, That's $10.00 off."
13. People would never talk about how fresh they felt. Amen!
14. Daisy Duke shorts would never go out of style again. I said Ay-men!
15. Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.
16. Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.
17. The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and
display the heads of the losers.
18. It would be perfectly legal to steal a Ferrari or Lamborgini, as long as
you returned it the following day exactly like you took it and a full tank of gas.
19. Instead of a fancy, expensive engagement ring, you could present
your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said "You're #1!"
20. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the
game, she'd appear in a little box ala picture in a picture (muted of course) in the corner of the screen during a time-out (unmuted). Hey that's when you go grab a beer or go to the bathroom so no big deal right?
21. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an
acceptable response to "I love you"
22. The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
23. "Sorry I'm late, but I got wasted last night," would be an
acceptable excuse for tardiness.
24. At the end of the workday a whistle would blow and you would
jump out of your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and
right into your car, like Fred Flintstone.
25. Hallmark would make, "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.
