well, i guess this is a day to be remembered. i've taken up karate for the past month and a half and today was the first time i joined the whole class all the way through! normally i only stay for the first half then go with a black belt out the back to be shown some basics, which is amazing because the private time they provided me is invaluable. but today i was allowed to join in with the rest of the class and i had so much fun and enjoyed myself so much even though i couldn't get very very simple moves.
i can't quite explain the way doing kicks and punches makes me feel... it's so empowering is all i can say. when i was a young girl my care takers abused me, and taught me that i shouldn't stand up for myself, that i should protect them instead by keeping silent, keeping quiet, keep on taking abuse. and i have to say that on a very deep level i think learning martial arts is an amazing healing tool for my psyche. it's already had a deep effect on my unconscious mind, changing the way i dream about certain themes of abuse. now in my dreams i can fight back and my limbs don't turn instantly powerless, to jelly, rendering myself useless against defending an opponent. i think it has affected me on a cellular level already, and i am pretty lucky that the people in the dojo are friendly, comfortable, and doesn't take themselves too seriously. i have worked on personal development and seen counselors in the past but this feels like healing on another level all together. i feel safe there and empowered.
i've thought about the gradings and for me i am not so sure about them at the moment just because i don't know enough to appreciate them, but i guess everyone has a reason to do martial arts and mine just happens to have nothing much to do with belt colour. for me it's an internal journey that has powerful healing properties. i love the philosophical side of things, in the system of karate i learn from they teach that without love and respect you cannot have obedience, and that without spirit, technique is just empty movements... there's a lot of women in my dojo too which says alot about the dojo to me.
the last time i was at a dojo it was completely different. people were competitive, no smiles anywhere and i got punched by a guy who went aggro on me. there were about 4 women in a class of 30, and because i got previous trauma from being punched on the street (the reason why i took up karate in the first place), plus other childhood abuse traumas, that single punch came at me when i thought i was in a safe space. i thought i was with people i could trust, and when that happened, i had flashbacks, nightmares and severe anxiety for at least a year afterwards whenever i even think about it, and it took around 3 years of counselling for me to heal to the point where i could think about it without feeling panic and intense fear. for me, i prefer to do 1 thing for a long while, i can't multitask very well at all, but the first time for me in karate, i felt like i was forced out of it. i wouldn't have quit otherwise, but i don't consider myself a quitter. i've fought hard for 15 years to stay alive with a chronic illness that can potentially kill me (systemic lupus), i've fought for 10 years to get myself an education so that i can have a future of some sort, and believe me studying while having a chronic illness that is unpredictable is frikken hard, and i've fought against all the demons i have inside of me and confronted my beliefs instilled in me by my abusers. no i'm not a quitter. i will have my off days but i will always keep at it if it takes me 30 years to get back to something...
karate feel so good! i have so much fun and i love obsessing over stuff
took me 20 years of obsessing about singing to have mastered my voice and never gettin enough of it, this will be a life time pursuit of empowerment for me and i am really really hooked.
i can't quite explain the way doing kicks and punches makes me feel... it's so empowering is all i can say. when i was a young girl my care takers abused me, and taught me that i shouldn't stand up for myself, that i should protect them instead by keeping silent, keeping quiet, keep on taking abuse. and i have to say that on a very deep level i think learning martial arts is an amazing healing tool for my psyche. it's already had a deep effect on my unconscious mind, changing the way i dream about certain themes of abuse. now in my dreams i can fight back and my limbs don't turn instantly powerless, to jelly, rendering myself useless against defending an opponent. i think it has affected me on a cellular level already, and i am pretty lucky that the people in the dojo are friendly, comfortable, and doesn't take themselves too seriously. i have worked on personal development and seen counselors in the past but this feels like healing on another level all together. i feel safe there and empowered.
i've thought about the gradings and for me i am not so sure about them at the moment just because i don't know enough to appreciate them, but i guess everyone has a reason to do martial arts and mine just happens to have nothing much to do with belt colour. for me it's an internal journey that has powerful healing properties. i love the philosophical side of things, in the system of karate i learn from they teach that without love and respect you cannot have obedience, and that without spirit, technique is just empty movements... there's a lot of women in my dojo too which says alot about the dojo to me.
the last time i was at a dojo it was completely different. people were competitive, no smiles anywhere and i got punched by a guy who went aggro on me. there were about 4 women in a class of 30, and because i got previous trauma from being punched on the street (the reason why i took up karate in the first place), plus other childhood abuse traumas, that single punch came at me when i thought i was in a safe space. i thought i was with people i could trust, and when that happened, i had flashbacks, nightmares and severe anxiety for at least a year afterwards whenever i even think about it, and it took around 3 years of counselling for me to heal to the point where i could think about it without feeling panic and intense fear. for me, i prefer to do 1 thing for a long while, i can't multitask very well at all, but the first time for me in karate, i felt like i was forced out of it. i wouldn't have quit otherwise, but i don't consider myself a quitter. i've fought hard for 15 years to stay alive with a chronic illness that can potentially kill me (systemic lupus), i've fought for 10 years to get myself an education so that i can have a future of some sort, and believe me studying while having a chronic illness that is unpredictable is frikken hard, and i've fought against all the demons i have inside of me and confronted my beliefs instilled in me by my abusers. no i'm not a quitter. i will have my off days but i will always keep at it if it takes me 30 years to get back to something...
karate feel so good! i have so much fun and i love obsessing over stuff
took me 20 years of obsessing about singing to have mastered my voice and never gettin enough of it, this will be a life time pursuit of empowerment for me and i am really really hooked.
