Will anybody respect this man??

[MA-Caver]

Going through some old files I found I had copied this on to a clipboard and re-read it all...
Rodney Dangerfield has to be admired for the ability to poke fun and disrespect at himself. He's also funny as hell. And yes, these are actual Dangerfield jokes.

I'm a bad drinker. I got loaded one night the next day they picked me up. I was in front of a judge. He said, "You're here for drinking." I said, "O.K., Your Honor, let's get started."

With sex my wife thinks twice before she turns me down. Yeah, once in the morning and once at night.

With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!

With my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him I want a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don't need one.

When I was a kid I got no respect. My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

With my old man I got no respect. When he took me hunting he gave me a three minute head start. Then on the way home he tied me to the fender and put the deer in the car.

Well with girls I don't get no respect. I had a blind date. I waited two hours on the corner. A girl walked by. I said "Are you Louise?" She said, "Are you Rodney?" I said, "Yeah." She said, "I'm not Louise."

With the dog I don't get no respect. He makes me feel like I'm dirty. He jumps on my bed, and then he smells it for ten minutes before he lays down on it.

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to "the best woman a man ever had." The waiter joined me.

My wife told me she wanted to make love in the back seat, but she wanted me to drive.

When I was a kid I got no respect. I asked my old man if I could go ice skating on the lake. He told me to wait till it gets warmer.

I get on the elevator at my apt. the elevator operator always asks the same thing "Basement?"

At the marriage counselor I told him that my wife and I always argue about the same thing, Sex/Money Sex/Money, she charges too much!

I told my son "Hey, you're young you ain't got it upstairs." He said "Hey you're old you ain't got it downstairs!"

I go to my favorite resturant and the Matre' D asks "your usual table sir?" I said "Yeah, the flowers by the dumpster are beautiful this time of year"

My mother tied a porkchop around my neck so the dog would play with me... the dog played with the porkchop instead.