Romance!?!

[Rynocerous]

I started this thread for any jokes on women and men alike. I know there are a lot out there. Well here we go...

[font=Courier New, Courier, mono]Men And Women[/font][font=Courier New, Courier, mono]* A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.

* A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

* A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

* To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

* Married men live longer than single men - but married men are a lot more willing to die.

* Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

* Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

* A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

* A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

* There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage.[/font]

 

[Rynocerous]

[font=Courier New, Courier, mono]I'm Glad I Am A Man[/font]​

[font=Courier New, Courier, mono]I'm glad I'm a man, of that I am proud.
I'm not at all bitchy, annoying and loud.
I won't try to squeeze in jeans three sizes too small.
My credit card is still good when I leave from the mall.

I won't drink Diet Coke, or eat a rice cake.
There's no silicone here, my chest isn't fake.
My face isn't "lifted," my bra isn't stuffed,
I do what's proper, I leave the toilet seat up.

It doesn't take hours to fix up my hair,
I don't see the need to use bathrooms in pairs.
I won't throw a tirade and then blame PMS.
I'm a man and I'm glad I can deal with my stress.

I have intuition, I never get lost.
I share household duties, I won't try to be the boss.
I'm a man and with that comes a high sense of class,
I won't wear a swimsuit that rides up my ***.

I won't cry like a baby when Bambi gets shot
I don't make up false places, like the infamous "G-spot."
I won't go out at night in a black mini-skirt,
then slap anybody that just tries to flirt.

You crazy women scare me, you have lots of gall,
To make Lorena a hero for hacking off balls.
Yes, I'm pleased to be male and I don't mean to gloat.
I'm sorry you don't understand how to work the remote.

I'll never tease you, or play hard to get.
If I don't get my way, I won't throw a fit.
I don't worry much about breaking a nail,
My face without makeup isn't distorted and pale.

I'll never say one thing while meaning another.
When life gets real hard, I won't run to my mother.
In order to understand just who I am;
You need a Y-chromosome; it's what makes you a man.[/font]

 

[jfarnsworth]

Cool! I like it!

 

[MA-Caver]

I started this thread for any jokes on women and men alike. I know there are a lot out there. Well here we go...

[font=Courier New, Courier, mono]Men And Women[/font][font=Courier New, Courier, mono]* A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.

* A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

* A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

* To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

* Married men live longer than single men - but married men are a lot more willing to die.

* Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

* Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

* A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

* A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

* There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage.[/font]

I remember one I read (unfortunately not all of it) a long time ago and one that sticks out to this day in my mind is;
Women love cats. Men like cats... when women aren't looking... men kick cats.

This afternoon I went to my car, which is need of some work (electrical), and found that it was full of feral cats, about five or six of them. Didn't even see 'em until I heard this thumping sound, turned and saw two of the cats scrambling like crazy to find a way out without getting close to me. I got out of my car in a hurry and left the door open and counted the flashes of multi-colored fur zipping out of my car. Managed to kick a couple as they went by. How they'd get in? Because of the *ahem* electrical problem one of my windows is about 1/3 the way down. I've gotta get that fixed to keep those little bastards out. grr grr.

 

[Sarah]

HAHAHA......that would have been a funny sight!

This afternoon I went to my car, which is need of some work (electrical), and found that it was full of feral cats, about five or six of them. Didn't even see 'em until I heard this thumping sound, turned and saw two of the cats scrambling like crazy to find a way out without getting close to me. I got out of my car in a hurry and left the door open and counted the flashes of multi-colored fur zipping out of my car. Managed to kick a couple as they went by. How they'd get in? Because of the *ahem* electrical problem one of my windows is about 1/3 the way down. I've gotta get that fixed to keep those little bastards out. grr grr.

 

[TonyM.]

My couch isn't all that comfy so I'm not sharing any of these with the queen.

 

[Sarah]

Mrs Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up
with Father Rafferty.
The Father said, "Top o' the morning' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs
Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer husband two years ago?"

She replied, "Aye, that ye did, Father."
The Father asked, "And be there any wee ones yet?"

She replied, "No, not yet Father."
The Father said, "Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll
light a candle for ye and yer husband."
She replied, "Oh, thank ye Father."
They parted ways and some years later they met again.

The Father asked, "Well now Mrs Donovan, how are ye these days?" She
replied, "Oh, very well Father."
The Father asked, "And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?"

She replied, "Oh yes Father, three sets of twins and four singles,
10 in all."

The Father said, "Glory be! That's wonderful! How is ye loving
husband doing?" She replied, "He's gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin'
candle."

 

[Raewyn]

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
​

 

[Raewyn]

Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in most countries, son.


[font=Comic Sans MS, Arial][size=+1]How do you know if you're in love, lust, or marriage?[/size][/font]

[font=Comic Sans MS, Arial]LOVE - when your eyes meet across a crowded room.
LUST - when your tongues meet across a crowded room.
MARRIAGE - when your belt won't meet around your waist, and you don't care.[/font]