The Master
Bow Before Me.
So I was drinking heavily last night as I always do on nights that end in a y, and the thought struck me (left an ugly mark by the way, hurts too), how would mixed martial arts work against various things?
So, lets start this out simple.
MMA vs Ninja's.
Now, ninjas have those cool outfits, masks, smoke bombs, and shiny things you throw, but the mixed up martial artist has other weapons at his disposal. Of course, he has disposed of all ancient techniques since the likelihood of being attacked by an armor wearing horse mounted opponent is almost nil in todays society, unless of course one is attending a political rally in NYC and has to deal with the NYC police. We will also assume that the ninja is fighting fair, and in the open, and doesn't have any backup. MMAers tend to spend alot of time in the gym pumping iron and beating the snot out of helpless bags, while ninjas tend to spend alot of time hiding in shadows and dressing like trees. In a fair one on one fight, the winner is obviously the MMAer. If it was fought under NHB rules (wait, doesn't that mean there are no rules? Ahh, trixy they is, trixy mmaers!) I predict a ninja pretzel.
MMA vs Kenpo.
A bit harder to predict than the ninja battle, however I give the match to the MMAer as the kenpoist will slapcheck himself silly. Kenpo is after all, the art of hitting yourself 5 times for each time you hit your opponent. They call it percussioning, but if anyone tried that with 'chucks you'd have serious internal injuries. Also, while the kenpoist is trying to figure out if he should use clutching chicken or plucking chicken, the MMAer will simply trip him, lock on a hajuwammi thyroid lock and make the kenpoist wet himself.
MMA vs Kung Fu
Now we start to get more difficult opponents. Kung Fu trains you to fight while in the air, on tree tops, and on the surface of lakes, never mind "bullet time". MMA has no known counters to these techniches, so for the MMAer to confront a highly trained Kung Fooer, he needs to get in the first strike, and that strike is the highly crucial "wrap a chain around his *** and tie him to a weight" technique. This will trap the Kung Fooer to the ground and allow for the easy take down and tap out. Once trapped, the Kung Fooer will be easy prey as the Kung Fooer tends to be skinny and twig like. Snap Crackle and Pop Baby!
MMA vs Kenjutsu
What? Are you nuts? No one uses a sword today. Next Opponent.
MMA vs The Justice League!
Now we're talking serious stuff. This group of costumed "Stuper" Heros thinks they are the best of the best. Yeah Right.
- Aquaman - Keep away from water, and turn on some heat lamps. While this tuna bakes, go for the choke out.
- Robin - Oh boy, a nerd in tights. Ok, so he's a limber little scamp, but a quick muay thai kick to his knees will ground him, and once grounded, Robin gets plucked like a chicken. Hey, he's only 90 lbs!
- Hawkman - 2 words - Low Ceiling. He can't fly, he's just this guy, and you my MMA friend cannot deny, out cold on the mat he shall lie!
- Wonder Woman - Hubba Hubba! I predict the amazon will win, but just because who wouldn't want to submit to her leg lock? Rematch!
- Batman - Take away his toys and his billions and what do you get? A guy in phenomenal shape who does MMA! He's one of us! He'll be on the phone to Royce and Ken going "Did you see what my boy did to that punk Robin! $100,000,000 on him, baby! Brucey wants a new mansion!"
- Superman - Ok, heat vision, bullet proof, and hair that doesn't change even when hit by a nuke. This one's going to be tough. Give yourself the edge and make sure theres a little kryptonite in your protein pack each day for the month training for the match. It will give you the edge and he'll turn green with envy as you counter his Kryptonian skills (common brawler actually) with a little Hajimamma and a Funikowa arm bar. Snap Crackle and Super Ka'Pop!
If you've trained hard, you'll be able to defeat all of these so called tough opponents and be home, showered and shaved in time to order a pizza and watch Fight Night on Spike! I thing this in depth look at the true superiority of MMA training over all others will once and for all put to rest the question, "Who is Best?". It's obvious. Just ask Superman!
One other thing, watch out for A&W, it really packs a kick.
This is The Master, your one stop Sunday Night Fight Expert signing off.
So, lets start this out simple.
MMA vs Ninja's.
Now, ninjas have those cool outfits, masks, smoke bombs, and shiny things you throw, but the mixed up martial artist has other weapons at his disposal. Of course, he has disposed of all ancient techniques since the likelihood of being attacked by an armor wearing horse mounted opponent is almost nil in todays society, unless of course one is attending a political rally in NYC and has to deal with the NYC police. We will also assume that the ninja is fighting fair, and in the open, and doesn't have any backup. MMAers tend to spend alot of time in the gym pumping iron and beating the snot out of helpless bags, while ninjas tend to spend alot of time hiding in shadows and dressing like trees. In a fair one on one fight, the winner is obviously the MMAer. If it was fought under NHB rules (wait, doesn't that mean there are no rules? Ahh, trixy they is, trixy mmaers!) I predict a ninja pretzel.
MMA vs Kenpo.
A bit harder to predict than the ninja battle, however I give the match to the MMAer as the kenpoist will slapcheck himself silly. Kenpo is after all, the art of hitting yourself 5 times for each time you hit your opponent. They call it percussioning, but if anyone tried that with 'chucks you'd have serious internal injuries. Also, while the kenpoist is trying to figure out if he should use clutching chicken or plucking chicken, the MMAer will simply trip him, lock on a hajuwammi thyroid lock and make the kenpoist wet himself.
MMA vs Kung Fu
Now we start to get more difficult opponents. Kung Fu trains you to fight while in the air, on tree tops, and on the surface of lakes, never mind "bullet time". MMA has no known counters to these techniches, so for the MMAer to confront a highly trained Kung Fooer, he needs to get in the first strike, and that strike is the highly crucial "wrap a chain around his *** and tie him to a weight" technique. This will trap the Kung Fooer to the ground and allow for the easy take down and tap out. Once trapped, the Kung Fooer will be easy prey as the Kung Fooer tends to be skinny and twig like. Snap Crackle and Pop Baby!
MMA vs Kenjutsu
What? Are you nuts? No one uses a sword today. Next Opponent.
MMA vs The Justice League!
Now we're talking serious stuff. This group of costumed "Stuper" Heros thinks they are the best of the best. Yeah Right.
- Aquaman - Keep away from water, and turn on some heat lamps. While this tuna bakes, go for the choke out.
- Robin - Oh boy, a nerd in tights. Ok, so he's a limber little scamp, but a quick muay thai kick to his knees will ground him, and once grounded, Robin gets plucked like a chicken. Hey, he's only 90 lbs!
- Hawkman - 2 words - Low Ceiling. He can't fly, he's just this guy, and you my MMA friend cannot deny, out cold on the mat he shall lie!
- Wonder Woman - Hubba Hubba! I predict the amazon will win, but just because who wouldn't want to submit to her leg lock? Rematch!
- Batman - Take away his toys and his billions and what do you get? A guy in phenomenal shape who does MMA! He's one of us! He'll be on the phone to Royce and Ken going "Did you see what my boy did to that punk Robin! $100,000,000 on him, baby! Brucey wants a new mansion!"
- Superman - Ok, heat vision, bullet proof, and hair that doesn't change even when hit by a nuke. This one's going to be tough. Give yourself the edge and make sure theres a little kryptonite in your protein pack each day for the month training for the match. It will give you the edge and he'll turn green with envy as you counter his Kryptonian skills (common brawler actually) with a little Hajimamma and a Funikowa arm bar. Snap Crackle and Super Ka'Pop!
If you've trained hard, you'll be able to defeat all of these so called tough opponents and be home, showered and shaved in time to order a pizza and watch Fight Night on Spike! I thing this in depth look at the true superiority of MMA training over all others will once and for all put to rest the question, "Who is Best?". It's obvious. Just ask Superman!
One other thing, watch out for A&W, it really packs a kick.
This is The Master, your one stop Sunday Night Fight Expert signing off.
