MEMO TO DOG & CAT

MA-Caver

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This subject is incomplete. This email also includes a few notes
for those of us who are not animal lovers. Please note the
instructions for the pets are much longer than the ones for the
non-lovers of pets. You can make your choice. It is a free
country.
To all of you who love your furry children. Thought you'd enjoy
this.

TO: The Family Dog and Cat

1. When I say move, it means go someplace else. It does not mean switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in
the way.

2. The dishes on the floor are yours and contain your food. All
other dishes are mine and contain my food. (Please note: Placing a
paw print in the middle of my dinner does not stake your claim on
it, nor do I find it aesthetically pleasing in any way).

3. The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.
Beating me to the bottom is not the object and tripping me doesn't
help because I fall faster than you can run.

4. I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. Locate your
inner beast and remember that sleeping animals can actually curl up
in a ball, so it is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each
other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible.

5. My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.

6. For the last time, humans like to use the bathroom alone. If by
some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it
won't help to claw, whine, meow, bite the knob, or get your paw
under the edge and try to pull the door open. (Trust me on this one
please. I've been using the bathroom for years . . . canine or
feline attendance is not mandatory.)

7. When you see me asleep on the couch, it is not funny to make a
sudden leap onto my stomach and drop a chew toy, bone or jingle ball
on my crotch, or smack my nose to wake me up, no matter how much
that makes the other family members laugh.

8. DOG: Don't think for a minute that making a sad face and
whimpering pathetically will get you out of trouble when I find a
puddle of pee on the carpet. The face and whimpering only validate
that you knew it was wrong when you did it.

9. CAT: My sitting down to bite into a juicy sandwich is not a
signal for you to begin gagging loudly and then hocking up the most
disgusting hairball in history.

10. DOG AND CAT: The proper order is kiss me, THEN go lick
yourself. I cannot stress this enough.

To pacify you, I have posted the following message on our front
door:

RULES FOR NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:

1. They live here; you don't.

2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the
furniture.

3. I like my pet better than I like most people.

4. To you, it's an animal; to me, it is an adopted child who is
short, hairy, walks on all fours and is speech-challenged.

5. Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, are easier to
train, usually come when called, don't ask for money, never drive
your car, don't hang out with losers, don't drink or smoke, don't
worry about the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes and don't
need a gazillion dollars for college. And if they get pregnant, you
can sell the results.
 

BrandiJo

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thats great, i sent that to my mom after i read it haha
 

Aqua4ever

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lol If only I could read the first ones to my cats and have them understand ;) haha they made me smile :D

Aqua
 

KenpoTex

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When you see me asleep on the couch, it is not funny to make a
sudden leap onto my stomach and drop a chew toy, bone or jingle ball
on my crotch, or smack my nose to wake me up, no matter how much
that makes the other family members laugh.
That one brings back memories...:lol:
 
OP
MA-Caver

MA-Caver

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kenpotex said:
That one brings back memories...:lol:
Indeed one such puppy we gotten at six weeks old had acquired slowly a hankering to do just that... jump on us while we were asleep... My mother later learned what a novel and efficent way for us to get out of bed so we can go to school. This puppy was only about three or four months old at the time (still a puppy to us), but she would make that joyous leap right on top of us while we were still asleep in our beds. Invariably she would leap on the bed somewhere around the middle. Her paws would land... yep you guessed it. She would choose at random myself or my older brother. Thankfully she seemed to favor my older brother than me.

Oh did I mention that she was a St.Bernard? Wasn't so much as owch... more like ... OOF! :xtrmshock
 

someguy

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Don't forget when you nice and cofortable and almost asleep a cat rubbing there cold wet nose against your face.
 

BrandiJo

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my cat like to wait for you to go to sleep then with the lovely sandpapper tounge that all cats have lick your eyelids
 

Fightback2

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LOL Sounds a lot like my 2 labs. They like to stand by the bed and breathe in my face til I wake up. Doggie breath - Yuck!
 

KenpoTex

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MACaver said:
Indeed one such puppy we gotten at six weeks old had acquired slowly a hankering to do just that... jump on us while we were asleep... My mother later learned what a novel and efficent way for us to get out of bed so we can go to school. This puppy was only about three or four months old at the time (still a puppy to us), but she would make that joyous leap right on top of us while we were still asleep in our beds. Invariably she would leap on the bed somewhere around the middle. Her paws would land... yep you guessed it. She would choose at random myself or my older brother. Thankfully she seemed to favor my older brother than me.

Oh did I mention that she was a St.Bernard? Wasn't so much as owch... more like ... OOF! :xtrmshock
You could be describing my experience except my dog was a lab mix.
 

Simon Curran

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MACaver said:
Indeed one such puppy we gotten at six weeks old had acquired slowly a hankering to do just that... jump on us while we were asleep... My mother later learned what a novel and efficent way for us to get out of bed so we can go to school. This puppy was only about three or four months old at the time (still a puppy to us), but she would make that joyous leap right on top of us while we were still asleep in our beds. Invariably she would leap on the bed somewhere around the middle. Her paws would land... yep you guessed it. She would choose at random myself or my older brother. Thankfully she seemed to favor my older brother than me.

Oh did I mention that she was a St.Bernard? Wasn't so much as owch... more like ... OOF! :xtrmshock
My mother-in-law's German Shepherd has the same kind of pin point random targetting, and can also do it to a vertical human...
Like you said OOF!
 

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