Last Night, the Monster Came Out

[Bill Mattocks]

Last night at dojo, the monster came out. Hadn't seen him in over twenty years, but he was still inside me, lurking, waiting, biding his time.

We had the usual dojo session on a Monday night. A bit crowded, full house. We did warm up calisthenics, stretching, and then some practice drills. Then we split up and worked on kata, small groups that were more-or-less at the same level. Being an orange belt, I was separate from the white belts and the (lots of) brown and black belts, so I worked on my Seuichin kata alone. I got checked a couple times by my sensei, who made some corrections and told me I was doing well. Felt good.

At the end of the evening, sensei said to get our sparring gear on. Ah. Been carrying the bag back and forth, hadn't sparred in months. Didn't really want to, to tell you the truth. For all my extra workouts and running on the treadmill, I lose my breath easily when sparring. But OK, let's do it.

I was matched up with one of the senior black belts. He's good - fast and tough and very strong. I had the advantage on him in several ways. First, he had sparred three other students by the time he got to me. Second, he was using focus pads to 'punch' with, under instructions to play a general defensive game but to come after us if we dropped hands, got lazy, or just moved too slowly into attack.

I shuffled in, took my stance, we bowed and faced off.

I came in too fast, throwing silly punches that I knew could not land, as I was too far away. He tossed up some 'punches' with his pads that I blocked - I think. I honestly don't recall. Didn't get my chimes rung, anyway. I began working in a circle, trying to get in, going for body shots as well as the straight punch. We were supposed to keep our kicks above waist level and our punches out of the face, but it is hard not to throw punches to the face when it's right out there and you're moving and sticking, you know? I tried, but I did not do so well.

I got a couple shots in, I am pretty sure of it. Blocked some kicks with my own, no one got a kick in much. Threw a few kicks, nothing.

Then something happened. I don't know what. I know we got closer and I started advancing in a stalk, straight in, head down, straight jab and right cross. Then I started jabbing with my right, carrying it forward but still standing in a right-foot forward stance. I've done it before, it's wrong, but I can't seem to stop it. He could not stop my blows, they were coming in 'wrong'. Then we clinched and I pounded him into the wall. I outweighed him by at least 50 pounds.

He started throwing up blocks, but I was hammering in stomach-punches with my right over and over, lifting him up. Jammed my thumb when he tried to stop one and I had my thumb sticking out of my glove. Hurts.

Then it all started going sideways. I wasn't aware of my being out of breath or tired. I wasn't aware of anything but him. Seeing him contort every time I hit him, feeling my fist through my pads as it thudded home. Grunting with effort, he tried to move out of my clinch and roll out, but I lift-punched him back into the corner and started working him over.

It was the monster. The "I'm going to get you" monster. I remember him, he used to save my butt from time to time (yet other times I'd lose a fight and he would not show up to save me). He comes from that place where the comic book "The Hulk" comes from. Pure primal energy. I would not call it 'rage' because I was not angry. If anything, I was in a happy place. Determined and hammering away and man did it feel good. I knew he was mine.

We finally broke up, and he spun away, throwing a whistling back-fist at my head as he went. I would have been pole-axed by it any other day, but last night, in that zone, I just brushed it off, my reflexes were as fast as his (bearing in mind of course that he was very tired, much more so than me, and that I had just probably gone way past the 'light sparring' we were supposed to be engaged in). As I blocked his back-fist, I threw one of my own, sloppily and slow, but it nailed him on the side of the head, and then I threw a right straight into his jaw.

That's about the time I started coming back into my body again. I was breathing like a freight train (but not as bad as I have in the past after sparring). We jabbed back and forth a little bit more, but we were spent. He nailed me upside the head with a focus pad that really made me feel it, which is why I suppose I either blocked his earlier punches or didn't feel them for some reason. We stopped, bowed out, touched mitts.

I apologized for hitting him in the head - I really had not intended to, didn't try to, but could not seem to stop myself from doing it. He told me to forget about it.

I know he could have been letting me feel good, just hanging back and letting me throw myself at him. I could have gotten him just when he was totally wiped from three earlier sparring sessions. But I still felt pretty amazed when the monster came out. I thought he was gone for good.

I know that I am not Billy Badass, nor am I 'tough' or 'cool' or 'special'. I'm no martial arts master, and I never will be. I'm slow, out-of-shape, and don't have the world's fastest reflexes. I don't take karate for that anyway.

But it felt good to know the monster is still in there, and when he comes out, there's not much that's going to stop him. Put a little bounce back in my step.

Just wanted to share.

Kind of wondered if anyone else has 'the monster' inside of them?

 

[Gordon Nore]

Nicely done, young fella. :wink2:

 

[Sukerkin]

Nothing wrong with having a bounce in your step and a real sense of martial engagement, Bill. It is good to know that you 'have it in you' for those times when you need it.

Of course, the flip side is that such things should really be under your conscious control as a martial artist. You should decide when the 'monster' shows up rather than being at it's behest.

 

[Bill Mattocks]

Nothing wrong with having a bounce in your step and a real sense of martial engagement, Bill. It is good to know that you 'have it in you' for those times when you need it.

I like that term you used 'a sense of martial engagement'. Yes, that's what it felt like.

Of course, the flip side is that such things should really be under your conscious control as a martial artist. You should decide when the 'monster' shows up rather than being at it's behest.

I am sure you're right. But I didn't even expect it to happen at all. It just kind of snuck up on me. I will have to work on letting it flow at my control rather than just when the moon lines up or whatnot. Not exactly sure how one goes about turning that particular spigot on or off, though. Any thoughts?

 

[Big Don]

Not sure I have the "Monster" in me, but, once in a while I am a bad mother (shut your mouth).
Monday nights we spar. Last Monday, I took a shot to the head that really rang my bells, so I sat out a round and watched. The Head Instructor was sparring one of the the other Black Belts, I watched and I watched and when Sifu called "Stop" I was on my feet. I had noticed the other Black Belt, who is a Sheriff's Deputy, kicked and rarely punched. I tend to kick a lot as well, and, if I may say so, do pretty well, however, I have NEVER been in the same league as this guy, until that night.
I lined up with him, saluted and shook hands, Sifu said "GO!" and I was on him, I rushed him, staying as close as I could and peppering him with body blows and light punches to the head. It felt great.

 

[crushing]

Is the monster coming out different than being in the zone? Are you sure you just weren't in the zone, which can seem a bit out of body?

 

[Bill Mattocks]

Is the monster coming out different than being in the zone? Are you sure you just weren't in the zone, which can seem a bit out of body?

I know what you mean, and it definitely felt 'in the zone' like, but no, not really. This has happened to me maybe 20 times in my life, tops; mostly when I was in my twenties. Every time except once was when I was fighting or sparring. The one time it wasn't was when I was running and hit my second wind (first and only time).

It's more than just 'in the zone' to me; it is definitely out-of-body, but actually more like still in my body, but with somebody else pulling the levers. I'm there, but I'm just feeling it, watching it happen. The arms block, the hands punch, and it's all going by a bit too fast for me to keep track of. Like when my sparring partner threw that last backfist, and it was like 'please'. It wasn't even a problem to block - but I should not have been able to under normal circumstances. That thing was fast and hard. It's like somebody else driving the car, I'm just along for the ride.

I call it 'the monster' because that guy (whoever he is) really enjoys mixing it up, rough and tumble, ready to throw down for real. Just another part of myself, I'm sure, but it feels like just stepping back and letting someone else take over.

Believe me, when I was 'back' and got hit in the head, I felt it! And I was about to keel over from exertion. But until that moment, nothing.

 

[MA-Caver]

I have the monster inside me too and honestly he's one dangerous individual.
He and I had a long chat (in a very bizarre dream) and came to an understanding... he longs to be out and longs to exact revenge against all the wrongs done to (us) ... when I was growing up I was teased, jumped on, beaten on all throughout my school years and was relatively defenseless against those classmates until after the 8th grade I started studying MA and the "abuse" got less.
Yet the beast (as I prefer to call him) lurked and our understanding is... I can be pushed to indignation, I can be pushed to irritation, I can be pushed to anger, I can be pushed to pissed off, I can be pushed to enraged ... beyond that ... the beast is turned loose and gods cannot help the poor moron who opens THAT door. It's when I stop being loud, cussy and overtly angry and get ... well it scares me truly to think about it.
So the beast/monster resides quietly, patiently waiting and is allowed to roar when I'm pissed off or angry (roaring but not by volume if you know what I mean)... but is forbidden to act until that last "straw" is broken.

Not a lot of people have that in them... some do... it is a wise thing that they find a handle on it and that right soon.
I'll have to post my dream sometime ... it's something like out of a Tobe Hooper nightmare.

 

[Bill Mattocks]

I have the monster inside me too and honestly he's one dangerous individual.

Yeah, that's pretty much it. Mine is a little different, though. I usually am not enraged, not mad. 'Grim' might be a better word for it. Grim and enjoying it all a bit.

I remember trying to find out what the deal was when this used to happen to me as a young man. I thought maybe it was that 'berserker' thing that you hear about, and maybe it was at first.

In the fourth grade, I got into a fistfight in the school gymnasium with a kid and someone came up behind me and grabbed me in a bear hug. The kid I was fighting kept punching me. So I elbowed straight back, heard the 'oof' and turned and fired a straight right directly into me teacher's face. She was mad! I got suspended for three days (these days, a kid doing that would be in jail or under sedation). But I didn't 'see' her by the time I turned and fired - it was pure reaction, nothing else. I could not have stopped it if I had wanted to - and I didn't want to.

In the Marines, it was a guy who put a friend of mine in a wristlock and wouldn't let go. I turned him inside-out, and had to be pulled off his unconscious body; I was still trying to stand him up to hit him some more.

Both were 'kind of' berserker - no regard for myself or anybody around me, I'd have hit friend or foe alike. But later it was much different. No real anger, no fury, no red haze, nothing like that. Just like sliding out of the driver's seat of your own body and letting the monster slide in. He's driving, but you're still in the car. Just watching, kind of. Or not even watching, just hanging out. The monster is busy.

I also tend to snap out of it pretty quickly, and I feel pretty good afterwards, although I certainly feel my aches and pains later. That's not the way classic berserkers have been described. So I have no idea what mine is, but I very much identify with your statements about unchaining the beast. The thing is, he likes it, and so do you when you turn him loose, right? It feels pretty good to just let it go. I can see where that could get addictive. I think you could also get yourself hurt pretty badly, just from not feeling pain and getting whupped up on. I have no delusions that my sparring partner could have done me in if he'd have been fresh and had wanted to.

 

[Steve]

Maybe my experience has been different from the group here, but as I read your article, it sounded very familiar from the other side. I could really empathize with the black belt, who, presuming he's a competent guy, was in a real pickle. How does he best protect you from yourself?

Sometimes, usually, it's similar to what the black belt seems to have done, which is to protect himself and shake his head later. I've seen more than one guy go a little wacko in sparring like you seem to have, and they end up getting hurt because the purple belt they're rolling with doesn't enjoy getting slammed or kneed in the head and takes it personally. Or they get hurt because the blue belt decides that he'd rather protect himself than protect the new guy. It's unfortunate when it happens, but after that happens, our school owner will usually give a lecture to the new guys about control. My general rule of thumb is to roll only as hard as my partner... so if you start spazzing out, I'll choke you or stretch your arm out a little until you calm down.

Maybe I'm misinterpreting the situation, but it sounds like you were supposed to be sparring in a karate class and completely forgot yourself and your technique. It would be like someone in a bjj class throwing elbows. So, to answer your question, guys who have the monster inside them either get it under control pretty quick or they stop coming.

 

[MA-Caver]

I also tend to snap out of it pretty quickly, and I feel pretty good afterwards, although I certainly feel my aches and pains later. That's not the way classic berserkers have been described. So I have no idea what mine is, but I very much identify with your statements about unchaining the beast. The thing is, he likes it, and so do you when you turn him loose, right? It feels pretty good to just let it go. I can see where that could get addictive. I think you could also get yourself hurt pretty badly, just from not feeling pain and getting whupped up on. I have no delusions that my sparring partner could have done me in if he'd have been fresh and had wanted to.

When I come out of it... or put the beast back in it's cage (as it were)... I usually end up extremely upset and sometimes in tears... I'm man enough to admit that dammit... :lol: Because it's such an emotional thing for me to go from that extreme rage to utter calm yet dangerous enough to end up spending 20 years to life in prison. THAT knowledge of the potential is what still keeps me keeping the "beast in check" so I don't go TOO FAR.
That is what is the scary thing... the ability to go TOO FAR and not give a damn about it at the time.
Once before I had full rein on the sucker, I was walking in a not-so-safe neighborhood in Washington D.C. at about 3 am trying to get to a safe place. But no $$ for a cab and no busses I had to hoof it. My awareness was extremely heightened of course and I saw the guy before he saw me.
He approached casually but his body language read "I'm gonna get this (white) boy!" We both moved simultaneously and he ended up on the ground clutching his throat trying to breathe, I kept on my way and didn't look back. Not sure what happened to the guy... I'm torn even to this day of curiosity and not giving a damn. Later as I review the conflict (as I do with ALL of my conflicts) I realized that I moved without thinking and ended up giving him a slicing sword hand to his throat and so I'm guessing that I crushed his larynx :idunno: ... him laying on the ground grabbing his throat and gasping hard for breath...
Anyway I've only spoken of the incident with a few people. It happened some 25+ years ago so I'm not above sharing it now. The beast did save my life I suspect... no idea how the fella was (or was not) armed and it didn't matter... he was definitely up to no good.
But just because it saved my life I don't have to LIKE it.
And no Bill... I don't like it at all. I try to end it as quickly as possible to get it (the whole thing) over with as quick as possible. This is where the beast would come in handy.

 

[Rolls_Royce_Phantom]

I think I can relate. Some people find it difficult to fuse certain pure physical training approaches with martial arts skills. I am used to receiving an adrenaline reward for more effort and from explosive power cleans. So I hear a lot of "easy, easy", when I think I'm doing a higher rank some kind of favor by giving them an aggressive target. Got to get past my tense stage one of these days.

 

[teekin]

Bill, I can understand your relief (happiness) that your monster can still emerge. I have this part kind of "split" myself. The problem for me is my monster is in fact a total ruthless Beeotch who destroys anyone in her way not just the immediate target. It's a relief to have a part of me that I can count on to bulldoze through anything/anyone to acheive her goal. She feels no emotion, no physical pain, no guilt, isn't constricted by rules, social mores or ethics. Usefull........in the short run.
I Allways feel lower than sea snake poo for what the wreckage this beeotch leaves behind. The gains are allmost never worth what is lost and must be repaired.
Still the security she represents is still too valuable for me to give up. I like knowing I have that in me. It makes me feel safe, it frees me, it allows me to try new things as I can allways call upon that part of myself if the poo really hits the fan.
lori

 

[Cirdan]

First of all take care of your training partner. Don`t let loose "the beast" unless you are training specifically for this kind of thing. If it is something you have a problem controlling, talk to your instructor about it.

I suppose this is a bit different for everybody. I use to think of it as the destroyer because when it happens all focus is on physically destroying any opposition and a certain feeling of satisfaction in doing so. It has nothing to do with blind rage, I simply want to crush your organs and weak spots (maybe your skull too if I got the time) to remove you from the picture. There is no pain, hesitation or even hate, only pure malicious action.

The destroyer is not some other entity within me, it is just who I have to be should I ever have to use all this horrible techniques we train to the fullest. If you have to crush someone`s genitals (sp?), break someones neck or kill someone, how the hell do can you do it without getting distracted by your, well humanity? That other side of me dosen`t care because it has thrown even the concept of humanity out the window.

Ok I need to stop before I go on rambling forever. Anyway get to know your beast, he is both your enemy and saivor and in the end just you.

 

[Bill Mattocks]

Maybe I'm misinterpreting the situation, but it sounds like you were supposed to be sparring in a karate class and completely forgot yourself and your technique. It would be like someone in a bjj class throwing elbows. So, to answer your question, guys who have the monster inside them either get it under control pretty quick or they stop coming.

Sobering thoughts, thank you. I don't want to be too quick to say "nah, that's not the way it was." I will think about it carefully and replay the events in my mind. Thank you for the advice and the benefit of your experience.

 

[seasoned]

The monster is the missing element in a lot of well intended people looking for self defense. Something deep down within us knows and feels things differently, then our minds can perceive. Once felt, it is unforgettable. You can't look for it, and it can't be taught. It functions on a level not reachable, it's not anger, it is not fear based. If you could control it, it would not be pure, if you could direct it it would be tangible. It can't be called upon, but once out of the box, it has a mind of it's own. This is my interpretation, thanks for sharing Bill, great post.

 

[Sukerkin]

But I didn't even expect it to happen at all. It just kind of snuck up on me. I will have to work on letting it flow at my control rather than just when the moon lines up or whatnot. Not exactly sure how one goes about turning that particular spigot on or off, though. Any thoughts?

Sadly, it really is one of those 'riding a bike' sort of occurences. Someone can describe to you what they do or how to approach the matter but noone can really teach you.

It's what is referred to in the Japanese arts as mushin, which is most commonly translated as 'no mind' (just like in the Last Samurai ). Essentially, it boils down to having trained the body to do what is required of it so that the mind can get out of the way and concentrate on 'strategy' rather than technique. The hard part is attaining the emotionless state that is inherent within the mindset.

That is the part that allows you to do things without conscience or guilt or inappropriate feelings of mercy and, as such, altho perhaps necessary in true life-or-death situations, is the part that I take moral issue with.

I am in favour of being able to drop into a state of mushin so that my techniques flow without hesitation or inteference from my conscious mind but I prefer to retain my sense of morality. To not do so is to become something rather too dangerous and unpalatably less than human.

 

[Em MacIntosh]

I've been involved in some discussion about the role of consciousness and how, to me, it seems like a bungling president with good advisors...the decision's already made, it's nice of your brain to let you know. The idea is to direct your conscious efforts into cultivating your brain to make prudent decisions, then you can often back your mind out of it because it gets in the way. In order to percieve something and give it thought it stops being fluid in the mind and gets translated from one form of synaptic data into a more useful, albeit more complex and frozen analog of those same thoughts but in a "language" where your consciousness can make use of the detail.

 

[celtic_crippler]

...so... that's not supposed to be one's natural state? Is that an indicator that I should seek professional help? LOL

Seriously, it sounds like you may be developing the "switch."

At least that's what I, and some others I know refer to it as. The subconcious ability to automatically "flip the switch" and go to work when it's called for.

I would hazard a guess that as you progress in your training you will become more familiar with the "switch" and it will become second nature to "flip it" when the times calls for it.

Keep training and training hard!

 

[Nolerama]

After a short lecture about control and contact level, a new guy lifted me up and almost tossed me (sloppily) out of the ring during a striking/clinch drill. I told him about contact again and he nodded dismissively.

So he did it again and I let him know what was on my mind.

We switched positions (where I was defending) and he took me down into the corner, which wasn't part of the drill.

The "monster" came out. Calm, controlled, focused on positioning my legs higher up on his back, while my forearms worked for the guillotine.

It's nice to know that kind of aggression is there... and even better to know that I could control it in a constructive manner.