God's Laws

[Zepp]

This is pseudo-political, but I think everyone will find it mildly amusing at the least. Sent to me by e-mail:

Dear President Bush,
>
> Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have
> learned a great deal from you and understand why you would propose and
> support a constitutional amendment banning same sex marriage. As you said,
> "in the eyes of God marriage is based between a man a woman."
> I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone
> tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them
> that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination... End of
> debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other
> elements of God's Laws and how to follow them.
>
> 1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female,
> provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine
> claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify?
> Why can't I own Canadians?
>
> 2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus
> 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?
>
> 3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her
> period of menstrual uncleanness - Lev15: 19-24. The problem is how to tell?
> I have tried asking, but most women take offense.
>
> 4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a
> pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is, my neighbors. They
> claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?
>
> 5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2
> clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him
> myself, or should I ask the police to do it?
>
> 6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an
> abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I
> don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there 'degrees' of abomination?
>
> 7. Lev.21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a
> defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my
> vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?
>
> 8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around
> their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev.19:27. How
> should they die?
>
> 9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me
> unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?
>
> 10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different
> crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two
> different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse
> and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of
> getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev. 24:10-16. Couldn't we
> just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people
> who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)
>
> I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable
> expertise in such matters, so I am confident you can help.
>
> Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

 

[Flatlander]

4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a
> pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is, my neighbors. They
> claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

:rofl: I hope we can get a definitive answer on this one, I've been struggling with the same issue for some time now.

 

[someguy]

> 7. Lev.21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a
> defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my
> vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?

I guess I need to get laser vision correction.

> 1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female,
> provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine
> claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify?
> Why can't I own Canadians?
I can't...hmm dang.

 

[Feisty Mouse]

Thanks for posting - that cracks me up.

 

[ppko]

I love it

 

[mj_lover]

funny, i like it :ultracool

 

[auxprix]

yep, that is a good one. While we're on this subject, here's a link:

http://www.godhatesshrimp.com/

With all these old testiment rules I'm breaking, I'm sure god hates me most of all!

 

[shesulsa]

yep, that is a good one. While we're on this subject, here's a link:

http://www.godhatesshrimp.com/

That link was already posted and stampeded in a thread here.

 

[auxprix]

That link was already posted and stampeded in a thread here.

Oops, sorry all! I have a question. I make it a point not to argue about religion face-to-face with people, so I don't have much experience bringing this up with Fundimentalists. How do they defend themselves against the existance of these rules that they generally don't follow. I mean, the bible's condemnation of homosexuality is right smack dab in the middle of them, and I wouldn't think that God will close his kingdom to someone who cuts their hair short.

-Aux

 

[Ceicei]

Let's try to keep this thread light hearted to have it stay in the Comedy Cafe. Political and religious debating are available in in other threads.

- Ceicei

 

[shesulsa]

Oops, sorry all! I have a question. I make it a point not to argue about religion face-to-face with people, so I don't have much experience bringing this up with Fundimentalists. How do they defend themselves against the existance of these rules that they generally don't follow. I mean, the bible's condemnation of homosexuality is right smack dab in the middle of them, and I wouldn't think that God will close his kingdom to someone who cuts their hair short.

-Aux

The discussion of this topic is engaged in the thread I referenced below - try it out! I would like to see your contribution to that thread.

Thanks!

G