Visiting the Graveside

[Steel Tiger]

First off, let me apologize if this is coming off as a bit of a rant, I really am curious about others thoughts on this.

Why is it that some of us visit the graves of those that we love? What significance does it hold for you? Is it a religious thing for you? or does it make you feel closer to that person?

I have had loved ones pass away and never have I felt the need nor had the desire to visit their grave/memorial sites. Earlier this year I lost my dad and my mom has been harping on me and asking if I go visit him. She feels it important that on special occasions like Christmas, his birthday, etc., that I should be more "respectful" of his memory and go and see him.

Now, not to sound harsh or anything but I really don't understand the significance in doing that. I really don't want to visit the stone wall that his urn was placed in, stare at it or talk to it. To me, that is not "visiting" him. How does that prove someone's respect for someone else?

What drives a person to go and talk to the dead?

My view is, is that when I want to "talk" to them, I can do it anywhere I want to and it doesn't have to necessarily have to be at their grave side. Mostly I just quietly reflect upon memories of them that bring a smile to my face. At times I share those with my family and we all have a good chuckle. To me that is more important then hauling my butt out the door and staring at a bronze plate with his name on it and the date of his birth and death (all of which I am quite capable in remembering without having to go there and be reminded of it)

Am I being callous? Am I missing something?

I feel the same as you do Lisa. I don't visit gravesites and I do not go to the casket viewings that my family (mother's side) insists on having. Catholicism has a belief that the dead will be taken bodily into heaven so the body remains important, but to me the body is no longer the person I knew, its just a body. I know that sounds pretty harsh.

Remembering our loved ones and what they brought into our lives is more important than any burial symbol could ever be.



I think that the visiting of gravesites is indicative of an innate desire for spirituality that is in all humans. In pre-Christian times in Europe the spiritual connection was seen in water, a place where this world and the other met. I can see how a cemetery would gain the same strong symbolism. It is a place where the dead are buried, therefore it must be an easy access to those have departed. So I can understand why people go to cemeteries to connect with their loved ones, it just doesn't hold that symbolic connection for me.

 

[Andrew Green]

LOL I didn't mean it the way it read (after reading again). It was meant in a much lighter tone.

I've met the mentioned mother, best be understanding of Lisa's occasional inability to be fully understanding

 

[Bigshadow]

I've met the mentioned mother, best be understanding of Lisa's occasional inability to be fully understanding

I will take your word for it! :asian:

 

[KempoGuy06]

First off, let me apologize if this is coming off as a bit of a rant, I really am curious about others thoughts on this.

Why is it that some of us visit the graves of those that we love? What significance does it hold for you? Is it a religious thing for you? or does it make you feel closer to that person?

I have had loved ones pass away and never have I felt the need nor had the desire to visit their grave/memorial sites. Earlier this year I lost my dad and my mom has been harping on me and asking if I go visit him. She feels it important that on special occasions like Christmas, his birthday, etc., that I should be more "respectful" of his memory and go and see him.

Now, not to sound harsh or anything but I really don't understand the significance in doing that. I really don't want to visit the stone wall that his urn was placed in, stare at it or talk to it. To me, that is not "visiting" him. How does that prove someone's respect for someone else?

What drives a person to go and talk to the dead?

My view is, is that when I want to "talk" to them, I can do it anywhere I want to and it doesn't have to necessarily have to be at their grave side. Mostly I just quietly reflect upon memories of them that bring a smile to my face. At times I share those with my family and we all have a good chuckle. To me that is more important then hauling my butt out the door and staring at a bronze plate with his name on it and the date of his birth and death (all of which I am quite capable in remembering without having to go there and be reminded of it)

Am I being callous? Am I missing something?

I dont visit the graves one because its hard for me and two to be completely honest it wiggs me out. My mother got on me to be more respectful and visit the grave. Instead I got a tatoo. what better way to show respect than to have their name inked into my skin? it is my idea of a tribute to them.

B

 

[Live True]

Why is it that some of us visit the graves of those that we love? [...]What drives a person to go and talk to the dead?[...]My view is, is that when I want to "talk" to them, I can do it anywhere I want to and it doesn't have to necessarily have to be at their grave side. [...]Am I being callous? Am I missing something?

I agree that you are not being callous; you just have a different way of expressing your memories and loss. My mother's grave is two days drive from where I live, and it took me almost 18 years to finally see the gravestone I had ordered (I was 16 when she died). For me, I had never stopped talking to her, but seeing the gravestone and planting some flowers gave me some closure in dealing with her sudden death (drunk driving accident). That said, I don't feel a need to go back. I carry my memories with me and honor my dead in my head and my heart.

This might be slightly off topic, but directly relates to your question of "what drives a person to go and talk to the dead?"

Have you heard of Mexico's Dia de los Muertos? The link is to a page with lots of links about this holiday (the home site is pretty cool for anyone interested in the mythos of many countries). As part of this festival, some towns will hold picnics in local cemetaries or set a seat at their evening dinner for departed loved ones. My understanding is that this is a way to connect to ancestors, keep them involved in the growing/changing family events, and deal with death by laughing at it and making it a friend. It's an interesting concept.

As part of my October celebrations last year, we set a single spot at our table for our departed ones and put small portions of what we were eating on the plate. We then took the food outside as a symbolic offering. It was...an intriguing experience. It made the presence of our loved ones feel more tangible (and yes, at times we felt mighty silly). Still, it was something I'm glad I did. Of course, I have a tendancy to be a bit odd turned, but I'm rarely bored!

 

[IcemanSK]

I've wrestled with this question since my grandfather died when I was 8. I missed him so much as a kid. My mom did too. We'd go to the cemetary & she'd talk to him looking at his name on this piece of stone. He didn't live there. As a kid, I always thought going to the fire station where he worked was a more fitting place to talk with him. Yet, even as an adult, I found myself going to both the cemetary & the fire house when I missed him.

When my dad died in 2002, he was cremated & his ashes were at my mom's house (in the kitchen). When she remarried, they were given to my sister where they remained until the ashes were buried last summer. I can honestly say that I had no desire to spend time with the ashes in those places. Although, I may go to the cemetary where his ashes are buried now just because it's a "place."

I understand having a graveside memorial after the funeral for a closing event. But I have little sense of a need to go afterward.

A sense of history, geneology etc. for future generations is the best reason I can think of for graveside visits.