Uncomfortable

Discussion in 'Women of the Martial Arts (Women Martial Artists)' started by Lilian, Feb 23, 2018.

  1. Lilian

    Lilian White Belt

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    Hey!
    There is a guy in my training who is 11 years older than me and I feel like he has romantic feelings for me. He is a nice guy and I like talking with him but I don't want to be romantically involved with him. I try to show it to him but he touches me all the time, when we have to find a partner he does everything to be my partner, he waits after training for me to walk a few meter with me (I walk to the gym he takes the car) and I feel really really uncomfortable. When we practice techniques he gets closer than needed and touches me in places which are also unnecessary. I can't sleep anymore because I have think about it all the time and then I have nightmares about it.
    The thing is, and I don't know if any of you feel the same way, but I don't want to come off as bitchy, weak, arrogant or nagging. I am mostly the only girl during training and I don't have any problems with the other guys there. Also, he didn't say anything directly to me, so I can't go to him and tell him off. My tactic as of now is to only speak the necessary to him, but be friendly and try to avoid him as a partner. When he trys something which indicates his intentions clearly, I will tell him how I feel about it.
    Can anyone help or has anyone been in a similar situation before?
    Also: english isn't my native tongue so sorry for mistakes :)
     
  2. gpseymour

    gpseymour Sr. Grandmaster

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    He probably doesn't even realize he's making you uncomfortable. If he's misreading the situation this badly, he might even take your silence as encouragement (not a good choice, but one that happens). Have you considered having a quick word with him?
     
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  3. pdg

    pdg Master Black Belt

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    I'll second that sentiment.

    If you really don't feel able to raise your concerns with him directly then have a word with your instructor?

    There's (almost) always some form of physical contact with this sort of activity, but if it really is a case that he's taking advantage of that for inappropriate behaviour that's not on.

    It's probably harmless, but there's a chance it might not be...
     
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  4. WaterGal

    WaterGal Master Black Belt

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    You deserve to feel comfortable in your training, and not be bothered by this guy. I know that it's scary to tell a guy "leave me alone", because he's going to act defensive and possibly be angry with you.

    Is there someone else (at the school, or one of your friends) that you could get to walk with you for a while? I'd recommend that you talk to him after class one day, when you have a friend with you. Tell him that he's making you uncomfortable by trying to touch you all the time. Then, have your friend walk you home, and be ready to call the police if he starts following you.

    Hopefully, he's a good guy who is just bad at reading body language, and once you verbally explain to him that he's making you uncomfortable, he'll back off and leave you alone. But he may be angry at first. This isn't your fault, that's his fault. But having someone with you is a good precaution.
     
  5. Flying Crane

    Flying Crane Sr. Grandmaster

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    He might just be a creepy bastard who knows exactly what he is doing, and how inappropriate his actions are.

    I suggest you begin by speaking privately with your instructor and letting him know about the problem. Perhaps you can come up with a solution. Perhaps this guy has a history of being a creepy bastard with other women, and needs to be confronted and possibly dismissed from the school.

    I do not know in what country you live, and what the attitudes are and what kind of support you are likely to receive. If you cannot get support and help in dealing with this, then you may need to leave the school in order to protect yourself.

    If he is constantly touching you and trying to dominate your training time, then he has crossed the line. This is no longer a case of innocent, unreciprocated attraction. He has become a creep and he is a problem. Creepy bastards often pretend to be innocent, and mask their actions behind seemingly innocent activities. Such as, using the training interactions as an excuse to keep touching you.

    I am sorry to hear that you are having this problem.
     
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  6. Flying Crane

    Flying Crane Sr. Grandmaster

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    As long and we are on the topic...

    A bunch of years ago, my girlfriend at that time was training with a very prominent master of Hung Gar Kung Fu in San Francisco, named Y.C.Wong. He still has a school in San Francisco’s Chinatown.

    He invited her to come to a private lesson when there was no regular class, and nobody else in the school.

    He used that time alone with her to put his hands all over her, under the guise of “teaching” her. It was controlling and subtle, yet obvious in what he was doing. It was a huge violation of trust. The episode was tremendously upsetting to her, but there honestly was no solution other than for her to leave the school.

    She tried to talk it over with one of the senior students, but that guy got very uncomfortable and didn’t want to talk about it, and his reaction when she brought it up to him made it clear that this kind of thing had happened before.

    A year or so later, a friend of ours told us that another female friend of his had been training at Y.C. Wong’s school in San Francisco’s Chinatown, and she just left the school. Yup, you guessed it. The same thing happened to her.

    The Dirty Old Sifu syndrome. He is a rat bastard, that one. Y. C. Wong, master of Hung Gar kung Fu, in San Francisco’s Chinatown. Beware of that guy. He is a creepy bastard. The world needs to know.
     
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  7. Tez3

    Tez3 Sr. Grandmaster

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    By saying nothing to him you are giving him tacit permission to carry on behaving like this. You can tell him, gently if you wish, that you uncomfortable with being so close and with being touched inappropriately, you can tell him forcefully if he doesn't listen the first time. You must tell your instructor, as they have a duty of care to make sure you feel safe in the classes ( safe as in not molested, not harassed or otherwise made uncomfortable) and this guy is making you uncomfortable. Any sort of touching you are not comfortable with and is not part of the training is inappropriate and is actually assault. He does not have to say anything to you for you to tell him to back off. Don't wait because if you say nothing, as I said, he will take it as permission to carry on and perhaps escalate.

    I know this sounds harsh and many will think it's going overboard but trust me it isn't. If after speaking to him he won't stop, and the instructor isn't willing to intervene then leave immediately and find a place to train that you feel safe in.
     
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  8. Buka

    Buka Grandmaster

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    Welcome to MartialTalk, Lllian. Hope you enjoy it here. :)

    Speak with your instructor. Your chief instructor. Make him aware of your concerns.
     
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  9. Anarax

    Anarax Black Belt

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    I would tell your instructor and let him deal with it. It would probably mean more coming from your instructor and will ensure it wouldn't get misinterpreted as "flirting".
     
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  10. CB Jones

    CB Jones Senior Master

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    Agree talk to your instructor.

    Or

    Punch him in the Adam's Apple......Nothing gets a man's mind right like a swift punch to the Adam's Apple.
     
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  11. Headhunter

    Headhunter Senior Master

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    Note to the op...do NOT follow the second piece of advice
     
  12. Tez3

    Tez3 Sr. Grandmaster

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    I always find having two small balls in my hand concentrates a man's mind wonderfully. And yes, I've done it before.
     
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  13. gpseymour

    gpseymour Sr. Grandmaster

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    That tends to work whether done in combat or romance.
     
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  14. sinthetik_mistik

    sinthetik_mistik Purple Belt

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    OMG that is completely unacceptable, touching you in uncomfortable places? that is sexual harassment. you should not tolerate that on any level. flirting is one thing but yeah touching you like that... no. he should get thrown out of class. you do not owe this guy anything... you should put a restraining order on him.
     
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  15. Gnarlie

    Gnarlie Master of Arts

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    Speak to him directly and in not uncertain terms.

    "Your behaviour is unacceptable to me and makes me uncomfortable. Specifically touching, deliberately seeking me out as a partner and waiting around for me. I am not interested in any kind of relationship with you outside of martial arts. I will inform the school owner and instructors that I do not wish to be partnered with you and why, and they can decide how to deal with you."

    Guys like this need it spelled out for them. You're younger, but try to be as assertive as you can.

    Inform the school. They need to know this is happening.





    Sent from my Nexus 6P using Tapatalk
     
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  16. Gnarlie

    Gnarlie Master of Arts

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    PS responding in this way does not make you a *****, weak, or anything else like that. It makes you a strong, independent person who acts on injustice. You are well within your rights to clearly state what you want and don't want. He is in the wrong, not you. 100% believe that.

    Sent from my Nexus 6P using Tapatalk
     
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  17. AngryHobbit

    AngryHobbit Master of Arts

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    I'll be sure to try it sometime soon.
     
  18. AngryHobbit

    AngryHobbit Master of Arts

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    I like the idea of talking to your instructor. But also, the next time touches you the way you consider inappropriate or uncomfortable, do not hesitate to speak up. And make it loud - I am not kidding. "Hey! Watch your hands!"

    If you are practicing a particular kind of grip and he asks why you have a problem with the way he is doing it, show him what you mean - literally, grab his hands and move them where they are supposed to be, not where he wants them to be.

    If you would rather work with someone else - say so. The next time you are choosing partners and he imposes himself as your partner, say, "No, thank you. We have worked together a lot - I want to work with that other person now."

    I am sorry you are having to deal with this. Training should be effective and fun - not something that gives you the creeps.
     
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  19. drop bear

    drop bear Sr. Grandmaster

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    Yeah showing that you are serious might be needed here.

    I have slapped people for grabbing my rash vest.
     
  20. Buka

    Buka Grandmaster

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    @aedrasteia, if you disagree with the advice to Lilian of speaking with her instructor, perhaps you could add to the thread with some advice of your own?
     
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