Discussion in 'General Self Defense' started by Old Fat Kenpoka, Oct 30, 2003.
I know some people that would die for pepperoni.
i always think about an elbow in that situation
favourite threat ever received:
Working in the bar, just threw out two drunks, they turn back around and one says "I'm gonna go back to my car and get a knife, and come back here and slice your neck open and spit on you." So to keep from laughing i said 'have a nice night sir' with a nice smile, which always pisses them off more.
Best threat ever given:
a guy had just had his friend thrown out, and he was bad mouthing us, and trying to sound tough, so he says 'how about i knock you out' and calmly i lean in and say 'ever try picking your teeth up off the floor with broken fingers...' whilst looking all menacing, so he throws a punch and casually i remove myself from the line of fire, and throw a nifty wrist lock in, and curl his thumb into itself, and while walking him out, i heard his thumb crack a bit. Thats what he gets i guess. I was just happy that in a tense moment i was able to come up with something different and original, instead of just 'i'm gonna kick your ***'
Not to long ago I was talking to two friends outside of a bar and 2 drunken tough guys came out and were trying to pick a fight with 2 guys just up the block. When a fight did not happen these 2 drunks staggered over to us and asked us if we wanted to "knuck, Knuck" and one guy bashed his fists together. We just looked at each other and smiled and kept saying we did not know what knuck knuck was. They more they tried to make it clear by hitting their fists together faster and harder, the more amusing it got. Pretty soon they gave up and left, it was great.
A few years ago I had a guy tell me he was going to pick up my skirt and **** me in the ***. To which I simply stated, "But I'm not wearing a skirt". People around laughed and the guy walked away, probably feeling stupid at realizing that his attempt at seeming tough really made him look quite stupid.
My favorite insult-response to a challenge is "Did you know you share ninety percent of your genetic structure with a banana?"
(It's true, by the way, although maybe it's only 70%, can't remember right now.)
And then of course, when the guy tries to figure that one out, you follow up with: "So come on, banana boy, and I'll peel you down to size!":revenge:
My mom used to say this to me all the time:
"You'd better give your soul to God because your a** is gonna be mine."
One day I looked at her, then my rear, then back at her and said, "S**t, you can have it! God's already got my soul, so I guess I'll just be leaving...." She laughed so hard she fell on the floor and hurt her shoulder and hip and ankle. Poor thing. Had to use that side to help her up, too - just about screamed with pain. Poor thing. I still have my a**, btw and I still wish she had taken it.
I used to work security for a certain place that had a (deserved) reputation for a lot of incidents. I have lost track of how many times people threatend to kick my toosh, kill me and rape my wife. There were a couple of times that were pretty funny though.
There was this couple that was having a domestic dispute. Their behavior indicated to me and my partner that they were drunk. They also refused to leave ect. ect. So they end up in the holding cells in our office. I'm interviewing the female, and my partner is interviewing the guy. The lady starts going off "He's raping my baby over there!" and "You punched him in the butt!" I tell her that her "baby" is fine and she tears into me. "Yeah right...you're a -bad word- child molester!" "You're -she had a filthy mouth- molesting little kids in the middle of the night!" "You come here and hump everybody! You -edited for pg13 rating- pervert!" When I told her that it wasn't very nice for her to say that, she told me, "I'm sorry. I love you." It really took every bit of self control not to laugh uncontrollably during her tirade.
Brah?..you like beef or what?....use to be common in Hawaii..until the commercial from burger king. ( where's the beef?). Aloha
Many years ago I was in the park at night with some female friends of mine and some guy that they knew was with them too my bike because one of the girls had it and gave it to him. I asked for my bike back in a courteous manner and just said "come on then" whcih was his primitive way of getting me to fight him. Its quite funny when I think about it because he was in the wrong and he did need to be punished! Well with my limited skills I had at the time I tried to fight him but everything I did was pretty much useless and never touched him. Although his punches were very fast I managed to avoid them. I guess my fear made me more alert but I wa clearly scared and he ended up winning and gloating, saying "your Taekwondo is *****! But it what I was teaching myself wasn't Taekwondo but ok, let him think what he wants!
Years ago, I once had a guy in a YMCA gym Threaten to kick my #ss over using "his" dumbells. I ignored it, but he kept pushing the indignancy of my interruption to his concentration. He knew I kicked and punched a little, but when muscle heads get heated, that testosterone just comes out.
So I said, "Fight? That's Bullsh#t! You can't even keep a speed bag going..." ( I had seen him use it a little, and I knew he could, but.....)
So he says, "I can beat your #ss on the speed bag, too".
So with witnesses, He takes a $100. 00 buck bet he will win. Off we go, Me, him and 3 witnesses (judges) to the combative room of the "Y". He steps up and does his thing. Then I do, and boy was he ticked. This is what he saw:
(click a video link below)
Oh Gee he lost. And he didn't have the $100 either.
But he agreed to pay, and tried to about a week later.
I turned it down, cause it was a sucker bet, and he apologized for threatening me over a set of dumbells.
...but I still love that look on his face
Myself, my brother and a few friends, help out with some gigs that our organised out town, just small little local things, mostly for teenagers.
Anyway one time there were these other kids from the town causing hassles and attacking people.So I get togethor all the big guys, including my brother who is about 6'2 and ways about 240lbs, and surround the troublemakers.
We just stand round them for a moment,arms crossed not saying anything.
Then I lean down to the leader and say in a real dead-pan tone of voice "You, my friend over there thinks you have a real cute butt" at which point my brother winks at them.They just broke and ran they were so freaked out.
I remember when I was in high school, there was this fight goin' on. The one guy got his butt kicked and was pretty ticked off about it. He points to the other guy and says "you beat me physically, but I can beat you mentally". It's too bad for that guy it was a fight and not a spelling bee.
Ive Heard better...
I was walking home from a bar years ago with a friend when a bum came up and said "Give me some lou or I will shoot you with my .23!"
All of them.
That's very cool! Awesome how you use the speedbag! Glad you didn't take the bet though...definitely not fair but you sure showed him good! :ultracool
You folks have me beat. I've been challenged by some boneheads in my day, but nothing like this!
Wow. Thanks for posting that! I love working a speed bag and have done some of what that guy was doing, but not nearly as smoothly. We have a bag in our kwoon and I have one at home that I need to set back up. The music stuff was off the hook.
So far all of them have been silly! 123
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