Girlfriend taking judo

Discussion in 'Women of the Martial Arts (Women Martial Artists)' started by sonic78, Jan 4, 2010.

  1. Jenny_in_Chico

    Jenny_in_Chico Black Belt

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    Trust me, that is not an area in which I am lacking. I am a Texan, after all.
     
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  2. Jenny_in_Chico

    Jenny_in_Chico Black Belt

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    Yes it is, but you get bonus points for using the phrase "self aggrandizing", one which I use on a regular basis because I, alas, do it. But only as a hobby.
     
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  3. morph4me

    morph4me Goin' with the flow

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    I couldn't agree more.
     
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  4. K831

    K831 Black Belt

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    Well, that makes sense.... my wife is from Houston.
     
  5. spinny

    spinny Yellow Belt

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    I often see 1/2 of a couple start a martial art and a few months later the other half tries it. There are several ways the relationship can progress from there. But two examples in particular come to mind.

    1. A young woman starts martial arts, loves it and encourages her boyfriend to do it with her. He was apparently adamant to prove that he was the protector, badass and all that is man! When they sparred he used his power to overwhelm her. And she resented it. Since they were both beginners (though she had more experience) they didn't know how to emotionally deal with the situation.
    He just transferred his emotional insecurities to her. Since he placed so much importance on being better than her, it made her feel that it was important for her to be better than him. She struggled and wasn't happy training anymore. Bad stuff. And it's not just martial artists - I've seen it happen to all sorts of couples who happen to be in the same business or career. One does much better than the other, and for one reason or another the other can't handle it.
    In your case, you need to talk with your girlfriend and discuss how you would both feel about that sort of competition between the two of you.

    2. On the other hand... I know another couple. One started training a few months before they could convince their significant other to join them. Once they did the couple worked very hard to support each other. They watched each other and pointed out weaknesses, then worked on them together. They encouraged each other outside the dojo and when necessary nagged the other to go to practice when they started to slack. Martial arts became part of their identity, both as individuals and a couple.
    They were a "super-couple." A rare but completely and totally awesome phenomena in the martial arts world.

    Martial arts can change your life and relationship — it's up to you two to make sure it's for the better.
     
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  6. bluekey88

    bluekey88 Senior Master

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    Lots of good advice already. So, here's my .02, take it for what it's worth. I've been with my mate for a long time (counting decades now instead of years :) ) We share a lot of interests...most importantly, we are comfortable in each others company. That being said, our greatest interests/hobbies we don't share. I do MA, I work out, I play video games, I read fantasy a& sci-fi, I make music, I build stuff from wood..

    My wife liks music, but has very littel talent or desire to make music. She loves to read, but prefers crime thrillers and horror. She tried out MA after I did...stuck with it for a fair bit...but her heart was never in it. An injury resulted in za long layoff from training...she never got back to it, though she often talked about it. her interests are in makeing beautiful jewelry, crafting other stuff, gardening...

    I've tried out some of her interests, but they jsut don't do it for me.

    Y'know what? No big deal. She supprots my hobbies, I support hers. In the end we love each other, we're comfortable together...and we're NOT competitive.

    My advice is try the juso...not for her. but for you...maybe you'll like it. More improtantly, support your GF...it sounds like she's made some tremendous gains...don't let your testosterone level sabotage someone else's success. If your GF can beat you up...oh well, don't piss her off :) No one will take your man card. A real man is comfortable in his own skin and knows just where his true stength lies.

    Summary, try the Judo if you want as it can't hurt. be nice to your GF and don't sabotage her success. Revel in it. Enjoy it. her success benefits you in a myriad of ways.

    Peace,
    Erik
     
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  7. sonic78

    sonic78 White Belt

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    April and I being competitive will probably never change though... the pool, bowling, air hockey, yatzee, etc matches have proven that over time haha. But letting your girlfriend win in "play fighting" is alot different than having her throw you to the mat despite your best efforts to avoid that and do it to her lol. See what I mean? I know its a very 1950s way of thinking.... similiar to why many people have deep psychological hatred of rats but somehow think squirrels are cute! I can "understand" its not a big deal, and I agree theres something attractive about dating xena, however I'm only human. :p

    You should give videogames a try again if your good at them. I suggest MW2. :uzi:

    Anyways, the consensus seems to be to go for it. So maybe I will. Crazier things have been known to happen.
     
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  8. Nolerama

    Nolerama Master Black Belt

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    I've seen the type. "That Guy" who only trains with the girlfriend either he brings to class, or is brought to class by his girlfriend.

    Their training time doesn't last too long. Especially in a grappling art.

    We had a really relaxed girl in the gym a year or so ago. Athlete, did yoga, was interested in, and excelled in boxing...

    Then her insecure boyfriend showed up. "Trained" for a few classes, and got really defensive when the girl rolled or boxed. His eyes would be on her, while he's trying to block in a corner drill. Not a good thing, and definitely not the signs of a good training partner.

    Who needs that?

    I won't get back into video games outside of my occasional Final Fantasy fix; and even then, my life is pretty busy with work, training, and social activities to only allow me to play anything for about 30mins at a time. I make a point of it. So why give all that up?

    Video games can be a really bad addiction and can ruin lives. I've seen it happen.

    Thanks for being a pusher :p
     
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  9. sonic78

    sonic78 White Belt

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    Well I agree with that. If a guy shows up to class and is that insecure then he would definitely be a bad training partner. I would opt to not sign up than represent myself and my girlfriend in a glaringly insecure or jealous manner. At least I would hope so lol.

    But as to videogames... its just a preconception. Heck my friends didn't like April when I first met her because she was 5'8 and 190#. They thought she was a "fat chick." Human injustice IMO.

    Yes videogames have ruined lives but so have some athletics/sports. So have alot of things. I'm actually quite good, and play more than the average gamer because I'm trying to start a high level amateur team. :snipe:
     
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  10. kaizasosei

    kaizasosei Master Black Belt

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    :)
     
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  11. Bill Mattocks

    Bill Mattocks Sr. Grandmaster

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    With apologies to the The Smiths...

    Girlfriend taking judo, I know, I know, it's serious.
    Girlfriend taking judo, I know, I know, it's serious.
    There were times when I could have sparred with her.
    (But you know, I would hate anything to happen to her)

    No, I don't want to judo ichidai!

    Do you really think she'll hikite me?
    Do you really think she'll nage waza me?

    Girlfriend taking judo, I know, I know, it's serious.
    Girlfriend taking judo, I know, I know, it's serious.
    There were times when I could have randori'd with her.
    But she'll force me to seiza.
    (But you know, I would hate anything to happen to her)
    Would you please let me up now!
     
  12. Carol

    Carol Crazy like a...

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    Eh, I'm a gamer too. After leaving the office at midnight, there aren't that many options for me. There's not all that much going in northern New England at that time, and I'm not one to go home and drink...LOL.

    My nightowl counterpart likes to go home and watch movies. Personally, if I'm not studying or doing something pressing, I like to go home and game.

    I'd suggest giving the Judo a go. Give it an honest try, there is a lot to be gained from the training, even if you don't immediately fall in love with it the first day out. If you really give it an honest try and find its not for you, your girl will prolly respect how you gave it a try. Or, you may find that its not your thing, but you may also find a new thing to explore which and some new dimensions to your relationship as well.

    Personally, I didn't start training until I was 36. I'm very glad I did because it changed my life for the better in many ways. Best of luck. :)
     
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  13. Dagney Taggert

    Dagney Taggert Green Belt

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    Better yet, start practicing jiu jitsu. Then you can have endless hours of debate devoted to the standing game vs the ground game...
     
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  14. AlanE

    AlanE Yellow Belt

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    I little bit old of a thread, but another perspective may be good for anyone happening along...

    I had the first MA training in my family, athletic, happy-go-lucky, life was good. Spent many sports hours with good men, keeping my nose clean, dreaming of having a family someday when I was on my own in the military age 18-22. Met my soon to be wife.

    How she was before martial arts – the key things – is how she was after martial arts.

    Next comes baby. Great Mrs. very, very supportive. New things that never happened in my life starting happening. Sometimes she'd wake from a nightmare of a guy chasing me with a knife. I genuinely felt saved 3, 4, or 5 times. 2-3 other times I'm freezing to "death" in Mississippi of all places. Played so many sports in one day so hard, only thing I can think of, I over-fatigued myself. A few minutes after arriving home running from the gym 3 miles away, I’d get scared, she cover me with a blanket, then another blanket, and save me - again. Couple hours it would take for me to feel better. I really did not know what I'd do without her. Then I'm (not crapping you) hit by lightning. “Mild” could be the word since I lived to tell about it, but that's a lot to happen to a guy. But life's going pretty good still. Fantastic wife, 2nd child, this time a girl. One more, a boy, and we moved to Oklahoma.

    My wife and three kids take up Kuk Sul Won. I lay low as possible, do my work, and support. I want them to have their own art, their own confidence. It's time for them to learn their own ways and/or teach me. Sure enough, I'm handed their nunchuks (not seen in Tang Soo Do), and it became a family affair after all. I'm the practice dummy for many new things. I watched their beautiful transformations. I was deeply, deeply proud of the black belts they earned and tournament success, like any family member would be. But I especially admired my wife. I still gave sparring advice, while they were capable of things I wasn’t. What changed?

    The changes were only for the good. They learned fitness was necessary to keep their techniques working, as well as how easily techniques could get rusty. They became athletes in other sports and had a good foundation. They learned more love and less fear. They stand up for others. That's a big one.

    We (me, you, everyone) are all dangerous in small or large ways. That's not what matters. We protect, lift up, do minimal damage, even try to win the hearts of those who would hurt us - if we can. We don't care what others think and especially those who say we should hurt others. To the greatest extent possible we help others.

    Naive? Hardly. Wimpy? Hogwash. Purposeful yes, because it's our world, too. :)

    Happily married? Yes! But that's far more a component of the character of the individuals than anything found in martial arts. We supported each other before martial arts and afterwards.

    SONIC78 :) I know you were kidding about her topping you're manliness (whatever that is exactly, right!?). If she desired to be demeaning or bully you, it would have happened long ago. It won't suddenly come out because of martial arts! No worries there at all! It should be great for her. As you know we can all be hurt at anytime, that's life! A loving relationship will have its large share of hurts due to the emotional involvements, perceptions, and the threat of great loss. Give the key to your heart to someone, involve the law with marriage, commit your life to another, and no one can hurt you like your spouse. Small words or an unreturned smile and you’re off to the races! Once again, martial arts won't enhance or diminish the trust you have for each other. Encourage her big-time and enjoy seeing how happy she is to be active and fully supported by the person she loves. You are who counts the most. Only take judo yourself if you think you will enjoy it. In one way or another you WILL need to get out into the world of physical, because it’s a physical world. Very best of luck!
     
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  15. Blade96

    Blade96 Senior Master

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    a gf that can kick your butt? wicked!! a strong, confident woman. as someone else said, Show her off!

    imo only weenies are intimidated by females stronger than they are. and they dont deserve any of my time. From a female perspective, because I'm one.
     
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  16. AlanE

    AlanE Yellow Belt

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    Weenies, haha!

    Strong is always good. As important (depending on the situation), is the trust one engenders with their strength. This is based on their actions, what they say, and what is allowed in their presence.

    A lot of people don't trust. Millions of others won't act in way to build any trust.

    I won't be too critical of a wimpy, mistrustful, or scared persons; I may be a little tough and try to give hope/perspective. I will definitely be critical of a back-stabber, or a person witnessing another being attacked and not stopping it - people who forget their strength, go along with the crowd, and fall in with race or gender and can't think like good people any more.

    I know wimpiness is not the most attractive quality in men or women, but everyone passes through that stage a few times in their life. Might hang out there awhile...:uhohh: Broken trust causes problems that never go away in some people (but we can try) so I deeply respect scared folks. I am scared regularly, that I'll be unable to provide for my family, or I'm assumed bad because I'm a man (really torques me), or yada yada yada...

    It must be a constant source of frustration - I'm just beginning to imagine - for women to work hard then get numerous forms of mistreatment from men who want to either lord over them, feel safer in their mind, or completely avoid them - multiplied by 100.

    My opinion, from only one man's perspective, is MA women do just exactly what you're doing. Add an extra touch of respect and trust building (only if missing) - just as you would want and greatly expect men to show women. This is rare since most people tend to focus only on their own problems, and discard others' concerns as weaknesses - ugly and to be avoided.

    Wimpy people aren't usually too awful, but they can be a challenge until their own strengths comes out - after we share some of ours with them.
     
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  17. Bruno@MT

    Bruno@MT Senior Master

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    Everything is context dependent.

    If I am in a situation where there is lots of violence, and my daughter is with me (ignoring the fact that it should never have come that far) then my first priority is getting my daughters out of there unharmed. Anyone else will have to fend for themselves at that point. Doing that does not mean I can't think like good people anymore. It means that first and foremost, my responsibility as a parent is towards my children.
     
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  18. Blade96

    Blade96 Senior Master

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    Hehehe

    yeah

    weenies
     
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  19. sonic78

    sonic78 White Belt

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    Well i dont think im a "weenie" but like you said its your opinion and i guess i asked. :rolleyes:
     
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  20. sonic78

    sonic78 White Belt

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    Thank you alan. That was quite a bit to digest.. :ultracool
    She has always had my support. In fact when she was at her heaviest a couple years back, my already unsympathetic (toward the voluptious) friends, thought i was crazy for staying with her and there was a drama where I pretty much lost my best 2 drinking buddies of 10+ years.

    I guess now months later and looking back at my OP does seem a bit silly hehe. Thanks for your post though man its very thoughtful and nice... btw, I did end up finally joining in June.
     
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