Phil Elmore
Master of Arts
- Joined
- Mar 30, 2002
- Messages
- 1,514
- Reaction score
- 54
My wife and I were watching television one evening when a commercial for the new Freddie vs. Jason movie aired. "Why Freddie versus Jason?" she asked. "Why not Freddie vs. the Olsen Twins, or something we could all really enjoy?"
"I know," I said. "Freddie versus Carrot Top."
"Too easy," she shook her head.
She's right, too. Pick a random room full of people and loudly announce that you'd like to torture Carrot Top to death. Describe a macabre scenario involving a box of tarantulas, a flamethrower, pliers, and several hundred gallons of hydrochloric acid. You'd barely get a yawn. "Horribly kill Carrot Top?" the crowd would respond. "I think we're all pretty much on board with that idea." There would be no shock value, and hence, no sales.
I've never been fond of Freddie, myself, but Jason has a certain stalwart purity of purpose that appeals to me, even if he's in sore need of anger management. A Jason vs. the Olsen Twins movie, for that matter, would be truly superb. Picture it: Jason comes stumbling out of the Junior Miss section of the department store, his mask askew, his rusty machete flailing, the familiar chu-chu-chu sound effect echoing behind him. The Olsen Twins look up, smile in perfect unison, and start singing and dancing, all the while hinting (as indicated on the cover of a recent Rolling Stone, as I recall), that they're not almost but quite of legal age, and thus not really in the target age group for Jason or Jason Killings.
Jason would start to wander away, confused, before the girls sprayed him with perfume samples, took him to get a makeover, and spent the rest of the afternoon wielding Sharpie markers and signing officially licensed glitter-covered mini-backpacks at the opening of a Toys-R-Us in Bridgeport, New Jersey.
Jason versus JLo would, like Carrot Top, be too easy a combination to formulate, as would Jason versus Rosie O'Donnell. I do, however, see real potential for a Jason versus Carson Daly film, in which Jason's expressionless, oddly menacing silence is confronted by Carson Daly's expressionless, oddly menacing total lack of personality. Jason would advance on Carson with a Garden Weasel, intent on turning him into a lumpy mixture, while Carson would simply bore him to tears with inane interview questions delivered in that listless, pained manner of his.
They say Jason can't be killed, but I'm betting he'd drop.
"I know," I said. "Freddie versus Carrot Top."
"Too easy," she shook her head.
She's right, too. Pick a random room full of people and loudly announce that you'd like to torture Carrot Top to death. Describe a macabre scenario involving a box of tarantulas, a flamethrower, pliers, and several hundred gallons of hydrochloric acid. You'd barely get a yawn. "Horribly kill Carrot Top?" the crowd would respond. "I think we're all pretty much on board with that idea." There would be no shock value, and hence, no sales.
I've never been fond of Freddie, myself, but Jason has a certain stalwart purity of purpose that appeals to me, even if he's in sore need of anger management. A Jason vs. the Olsen Twins movie, for that matter, would be truly superb. Picture it: Jason comes stumbling out of the Junior Miss section of the department store, his mask askew, his rusty machete flailing, the familiar chu-chu-chu sound effect echoing behind him. The Olsen Twins look up, smile in perfect unison, and start singing and dancing, all the while hinting (as indicated on the cover of a recent Rolling Stone, as I recall), that they're not almost but quite of legal age, and thus not really in the target age group for Jason or Jason Killings.
Jason would start to wander away, confused, before the girls sprayed him with perfume samples, took him to get a makeover, and spent the rest of the afternoon wielding Sharpie markers and signing officially licensed glitter-covered mini-backpacks at the opening of a Toys-R-Us in Bridgeport, New Jersey.
Jason versus JLo would, like Carrot Top, be too easy a combination to formulate, as would Jason versus Rosie O'Donnell. I do, however, see real potential for a Jason versus Carson Daly film, in which Jason's expressionless, oddly menacing silence is confronted by Carson Daly's expressionless, oddly menacing total lack of personality. Jason would advance on Carson with a Garden Weasel, intent on turning him into a lumpy mixture, while Carson would simply bore him to tears with inane interview questions delivered in that listless, pained manner of his.
They say Jason can't be killed, but I'm betting he'd drop.
