Fallout with training partner

[Tez3]

Thing is no one talks to me, they just want to talk to him so I'm pretty isolated now. He's one of those macho guys smaller guys/teens want to be like (our class)

I tried talking to him about it last time it happened but we fell into the same patterns again. I think we are both done.

At least I was able to get through class today without feeling angry but I am acutely aware of him the whole lesson and we are avoiding eachother. I guess with time maybe it will get better who knows.

The sod him and sod them, rise above it in public ( you can be sad about it at home). Train, train and train again, they don't matter, they aren't worthy of you, you are better than this.

Release the anger, it's hurting you not him, find something to punch at home and punch it out. Smile when you are training, you have a secret...you are better than him both as a person and you will soon be a better martial artist.

From one female to another, GO GIRL! You can do this.

 

[pdg]

It's a difficult situation, but try to keep more toward 'adversity builds resilience' (focus on the training, mentally as well as physically) and don't let yourself head down the 'cry into a box of chocolates' route...

"You're better than this/him" - on the available evidence, yes. You are.

 

[_Simon_]

Some really great responses here.

Hey Nev, am sorry it's been so difficult for you. It is challenging but definitely with time it will get better. His insults and remarks to you say much, much more about him than they do about you. For anyone to need to do that to something says to me there's a deep insecurity there, either a need to put others down to elevate themself, or a need to be seen as strong and look confident to others.

Deep down it sounds like he's got some stuff, and you don't need to be the recipient of that. I know it's nice to have friends in the gym/dojo, but not everyone goes there for that reason. I never really felt like I belonged in the dojo, but I loved each and every person there. We enjoyed training together, didn't catch up outside of class, but it was still a joy to train with them. You definitely get your odd person who thinks they're better than everyone and has a real arrogance, but yeah I'm finding that putting up being treated like that just does a disservice and disrespect to yourself.

You are worth more than needing a 'friend' like that, and trust me, you will be far, far better off without him.

That's really great you feel like your anger is being lifted. If it comes up still, it's okay to have anger there. I think all too often anger gets 'shunned' and seen as wrong, with a lot of conditioning saying 'don't be angry or 'you're not supposed to feel that'. The anger is there to tell you something, and there's a truth in there somewhere. It's okay to feel that, and I recommend allowing it to come up and allowing yourself to process it. Letting go of stuff isn't about pushing it away and denying it, but in accepting it fully, and fully allowing yourself to feel it. When we repress it, it just gets locked into the system and comes out in really bizarre, unhealthy ways. Am not saying you should smack the guy hehe, but it's ok to feel, and it passes through your system properly, and to remind yourself that you are worth more than needing his friendship.

Forgiveness is in seeing that someone truly can't see what they're doing, that they're innocently not perceiving things in truth, and then overlooking their behaviour as not really personal. Then you can act from there, and choose not to tolerate that or allow others to treat you like that anymore.

Let us know how you go Nev, hope you can find joy in your training once more

 

[Headhunter]

Thing is no one talks to me, they just want to talk to him so I'm pretty isolated now. He's one of those macho guys smaller guys/teens want to be like (our class)

I tried talking to him about it last time it happened but we fell into the same patterns again. I think we are both done.

At least I was able to get through class today without feeling angry but I am acutely aware of him the whole lesson and we are avoiding eachother. I guess with time maybe it will get better who knows.

Well If he's ignoring you then surely that's the end of it, he's doing nothing wrong now. Whether he did or didn't in the past is irrelevant. He's leaving you alone so there's no more problems

 

[blackbeltsomeday]

Focus on yourself and your training. Fallouts are a sad thing, but concentrate on your martial arts and maybe eventually you can work something out with this person after you've each had some space.

 

[Balrog]

yes it was a male partner treating me (a female) badly - lack of respect, constant insults and put downs - also online. What bothers me now is he moved onto a new guy and right away gave this new person respect, so the resentment comes from remembering the way he treated me compared to others, and when I see him I am reminded of it.

I put up with it because I don't have many options for training partners, and he was a higher grade

Suggestion - understand and accept the fact that he is a bully, and move on. You can either continue to train at that school and ignore him, or find another place to train. Either way, let it go. If you continue to be upset, he wins. Live well and be happy - that's the best revenge.

 

[Buka]

He is not having the problem - he is training fine with others.

But I feel angry all the time and cannot let it go when I see him. I don't know what to do.

Sorry you're going through this Nev. Have you gone through this kind of thing before?

 

[Nev]

Sorry you're going through this Nev. Have you gone through this kind of thing before?

yes with my last training partner. He had a bad temper that he would always unleash on me so it became very stressful. We tried to talk it through though, but to have my next training partner also treat me like **** really got to me.

I also noticed how this guy influences the teenage boys who want to be like him so I decided the way he treated me had to stop. I did tell him in the past he had to be aware he is a role model for the kids but he wasn't interested in being a good role model. However, now I am concerned the behaviour has gone on too long as I see one of the boys especially treating girls disrespectfully. All I can do is call him out on it though and put my foot down.

In the past I would have laughed it off or said something rude back, and it was just escalating bad behavior within the gym, between me and my training partner, and between me and the teenage boys, but I don't want them to think this is how you treat a female.

Especially today on international womens day. Even if I am hurt and upset about the way my partner treated me, I also treated him with disrespect because I was resentful and wanted to get back at him. It is far better to put a stop to it before it escalates and say it is not ok.

 

[Monkey Turned Wolf]

@Nev, I'm a bit confused... what is the primary purpose that you are training for? In one post you stated that you are planning to compete, in another that you want to work out while being social. Unfortunately, the same gym may not always be conducive to both goals.

From my experience, when you are at a place where everyone is focused on competition, there tends to be less of the 'go for a picnic' type thing...everyone is friendly with each other, and they might go out for drinks every once in a while, but it's training not a social outing. If, on the other hand you go somewhere where you want to be social with everyone, and that's the gym culture, the people won't have the same drive as those whom are training to compete, since that's not their main goal.

Ignoring the one specific partner; it sounds to me like the culture you want and the gym culture aren't exactly meshing, and if you're not getting the experience that you want at your current gym, it may be worth looking into another gym even if that gym is not 'the best'. (And just because gym A is considered the best and gym B isn't, doesn't mean you'll become a better fighter at gym A than gym B. There's a lot more factors to it).

 

[drop bear]

Do MMA.

 

[Headhunter]

Do MMA.

Real helpful...

 

[drop bear]

Real helpful...

You seem upset headhunter.

I have a cure for that.

Do MMA.

 

[Headhunter]

You seem upset headhunter.

I have a cure for that.

Do MMA.

Yawn

 

[Nev]

@Nev, I'm a bit confused... what is the primary purpose that you are training for? In one post you stated that you are planning to compete, in another that you want to work out while being social. Unfortunately, the same gym may not always be conducive to both goals.

From my experience, when you are at a place where everyone is focused on competition, there tends to be less of the 'go for a picnic' type thing...everyone is friendly with each other, and they might go out for drinks every once in a while, but it's training not a social outing. If, on the other hand you go somewhere where you want to be social with everyone, and that's the gym culture, the people won't have the same drive as those whom are training to compete, since that's not their main goal.

Ignoring the one specific partner; it sounds to me like the culture you want and the gym culture aren't exactly meshing, and if you're not getting the experience that you want at your current gym, it may be worth looking into another gym even if that gym is not 'the best'. (And just because gym A is considered the best and gym B isn't, doesn't mean you'll become a better fighter at gym A than gym B. There's a lot more factors to it).

I initially joined to socialize while working out but the competitive atmosphere of the gym means almost everyone competes, and now I too compete and train seriously for the most part. We do not do drinks or anything outside of training though, I think the competitive nature means people only train and not talk, we even have people from other gyms train once or twice a week with us, then go back to their (probably friendlier) gyms the rest of the time.

I do mma sometimes, but I don't like grappling a whole lot. I will be honest though, mma people are for more "normal" then people in my chosen martial art (don't want to say in case they read here!)

 

[drop bear]

I initially joined to socialize while working out but the competitive atmosphere of the gym means almost everyone competes, and now I too compete and train seriously for the most part. We do not do drinks or anything outside of training though, I think the competitive nature means people only train and not talk, we even have people from other gyms train once or twice a week with us, then go back to their (probably friendlier) gyms the rest of the time.

I do mma sometimes, but I don't like grappling a whole lot. I will be honest though, mma people are for more "normal" then people in my chosen martial art (don't want to say in case they read here!)

Grappling is like dieting everyone hates it until they see results.

 

[Monkey Turned Wolf]

I initially joined to socialize while working out but the competitive atmosphere of the gym means almost everyone competes, and now I too compete and train seriously for the most part. We do not do drinks or anything outside of training though, I think the competitive nature means people only train and not talk, we even have people from other gyms train once or twice a week with us, then go back to their (probably friendlier) gyms the rest of the time.

I do mma sometimes, but I don't like grappling a whole lot. I will be honest though, mma people are for more "normal" then people in my chosen martial art (don't want to say in case they read here!)

It sounds to me like you would get more out of going to a friendlier gym, that also competes. If you're goal isn't to compete at a national/international level, being at a gym with people whom are 'friendly' may be more beneficial long-term.

 

[Nev]

It sounds to me like you would get more out of going to a friendlier gym, that also competes. If you're goal isn't to compete at a national/international level, being at a gym with people whom are 'friendly' may be more beneficial long-term.

I am competing at the national level, that is why I won't give up just yet. But after then, I will reevaluate what I want. Or at least scale it back so I am not there so often.

our bjj class is fine, everyone is friendly enough, but I'm not a huge fan of it. Maybe I will switch to something else