Fallout with training partner

Discussion in 'General Martial Arts Talk' started by Nev, Mar 6, 2018.

  1. Nev

    Nev Yellow Belt

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    hi all

    I recently had a fallout with a close training partner/friend.

    I won't go into the details but now whenever I see him in class I feel angry/resentful about the way he treated me.

    I don't know how to get over this feeling, we ignore each other but it is making me not enjoy class as I am stressed out about it all the time. We train a lot (about 4-5 times a week) so it feels like there is no escape from him.
     
  2. jobo

    jobo Senior Master

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    is what went on, which you don't say, worth a life long fall out, NO, then make it up with him, or at least let it go, YES, find somewhere else to train.
    constantly being with someone who on a SERIOUS grudge list is not a healthy place to be and can end up making you ill
     
    Last edited: Mar 6, 2018
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  3. Nev

    Nev Yellow Belt

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    thanks, however we also had an issue months ago resulting in us not talking for a month. I then made an effort to talk to him again so we could train together again and to reduce the awkwardness. I feel like if I make an effort again it is pointless as it is only myself trying.

    I don't have the option of training elsewhere, I train at the best gym for what I do and I want to compete. All I can do is switch to morning classes I suppose which aren't as long.

    I thought there was something I could do myself to let go of the resentment but I cannot think what. It has been a long time coming, about a year of dealing with him.
     
  4. JowGaWolf

    JowGaWolf Grandmaster

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    I have had fallouts before. I just focus on my training. I literally dump all of the care for anything else and just focus on my training. I wouldn't try to make an effort to repair the relationship because you already tired and it didn't help. You did your part, so whatever your friend is mad about, he's going to have to work it out on his own. Just focus on your training. If you have an option to take a morning class, then go for that.

    For me personally if I make an effort to repair a relationship with a friend, but my ex-friend doesn't make the same effort. Then it's not my problem, it's his. I don't let the experience rot me.
     
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  5. Nev

    Nev Yellow Belt

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    He is not having the problem - he is training fine with others.

    But I feel angry all the time and cannot let it go when I see him. I don't know what to do.
     
  6. JowGaWolf

    JowGaWolf Grandmaster

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    If you tried to repair the relationship that you had with your friend, but your friend didn't make the same effort then it's is problem. Or your ex-friend has made up his mind that he doesn't want to be friends with you. Those are the only 2 paths that I can see with the information that you have given.

    Are you mad that you had a fall out with your friend or are you mad that he doesn't want to repair the relationship? If you have tried to repair the friendship then you shouldn't be mad. If your friend doesn't want to repair the relationship, then you shouldn't be mad.

    The only thing that you should be mad at is what caused the fallout and eventually you will have to let that go as well. I understand that stuff like this may not be easy to deal with and letting go of stuff like this may be difficult. But things will get to the point where things will either workout or you'll need to let things go. Your ex-friend is going to make a decision that is best for him.

    You will eventually have to do the same thing as well. And by "what's best for you." I mean what you have to do to what is healthy for your mental and emotional health and the first step would be to start working on the anger that you are feeling.
     
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  7. Headhunter

    Headhunter Senior Master

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    Either suck it up or go train somewhere else. Not really much else you can do
     
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  8. JowGaWolf

    JowGaWolf Grandmaster

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    Pretty much.

    I don't know if this is a male/male relationship or a female/male relationship. My answer would be different depending on the context. If a female says that they are mad about how she was treated then my answer would be. Drop it, don't make the same mistake again. If someone treats you bad then you don't need their "friendship"

    If a male says that a friend mistreated him, then in my experience this usually tends to be a clash of 2 Alpha personalities, and feeling "resentful about the way he treated me." usually isn't the description that is given.
     
  9. Nev

    Nev Yellow Belt

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    yes it was a male partner treating me (a female) badly - lack of respect, constant insults and put downs - also online. What bothers me now is he moved onto a new guy and right away gave this new person respect, so the resentment comes from remembering the way he treated me compared to others, and when I see him I am reminded of it.

    I put up with it because I don't have many options for training partners, and he was a higher grade
     
  10. JowGaWolf

    JowGaWolf Grandmaster

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    The best advice I can give with something like this is to move on and mark it as a learning experience so that you can avoid people like him in the future, now that you know the characteristics of guys like that. Not everyone is going to give you respect, so when you see people like that, the go in the opposite direction. Don't associate with them.

    Never put up with people disrespecting you. I don't mean go back and confront this guy. What I mean is when a person does it the first time, you let them know you aren't going to tolerate it. When they do it a second time, then stop associating with them. I literally do not tolerate people who would treat me like crap. I don't associate with them, talk to them, or befriend them. Value who you are. Value your time. Not everyone is going to be worth your time, only give your time and respect to those who earn your respect by giving you respect.

    Don't waste your anger and stress on someone who doesn't respect you.
     
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  11. Nev

    Nev Yellow Belt

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    you are right but I tend to turn a blind eye to people who I think are friends. I laugh off the little jibes and insults thinking that is what friends do but eventually it wore away at me, and I repeatedly asked him to stop with the insults (months ago) and he didn't. I should have cut it off then, then I wouldn't have felt so angry about it now.

    At least now he mostly ignores me and we don't partner or fight each other, but if he does have to speak to me he is polite, so there is that trade off.
     
  12. Nev

    Nev Yellow Belt

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    I suppose a lot of the way I put up with his bad behavior was because I badly wanted a friend in class. I am the only female and feel really alone because of it, I did have a couple friends/training partners last year but they left the gym.

    I thought my training partner was my only close friend at the gym so turned a blind eye to the insults but they kept escalating. In hindsight he might have been insulting me because he wanted some space, or maybe it was just his ego. Who knows now.
     
  13. JowGaWolf

    JowGaWolf Grandmaster

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    This is actually a good thing for you. It makes it easier for you to not associate with him more than necessary.

    This is more like bullying or harassment.

    Secret. You would be better off alone than feeling like you are now. Because you still didn't make a friend and now your angry. At least if you focus on your own development, you can be happy with yourself and your development. The reality is that we don't always find friends everywhere we go. I ran track for 3 years in junior high school and never made friends with anyone on the track team. I trained with them, I talked to them, but we never really click as friends. We weren't mean to each other, we just didn't have the chemistry to be friends.

    I know a lot of people who I'm friendly with, but I only have a few people I would consider friends.

    Martial Arts Saying: Get used to training training by yourself. Learn to enjoy martial arts training as something that is specifically for developing yourself.

    As for the online stuff insults. Block him, put him on ignore, unfriend him, find someone better.

    If a fellow student is verbally insulting you, then you should let one of the instructors know or let the Chief Instructor know about this.
     
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  14. Nev

    Nev Yellow Belt

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    thanks, you are right. Definitely this experience has taught me to not be so friendly and try to be friends with anyone in the gym anymore. I just train now and don't talk to anyone.

    I feel better after having read all your replies though. I guess I had no one to talk through about it from an impartial point of view (e.g not people from my gym)
     
  15. JowGaWolf

    JowGaWolf Grandmaster

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    You can talk to people, you just don't have to go out of your way to do it. If you feel like you are forcing yourself to talk, then it's just best not to talk beyond friendly greetings of saying "hello" and "see you later." Then start training and enjoy the fact that your training is making you better.

    I'm glad you are feeling better and some of that anger has lifted. From time to time, remind yourself that your time and your friendship is valuable and not just anyone is going to be able to get it. I do this myself and it helps me a lot. It may sound arrogant, but it's true. Who wants to spend time (that you can't get back) and emotions to talk to someone who makes you feel like crap or someone who makes you angry. So every week I remind myself that my time is valuable and not everyone can have my time. Over time, my tolerance for B.S. has become very low.
     
  16. drop bear

    drop bear Sr. Grandmaster

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    you don't have to like everyone you train with. You should behave proffesionally towards them though.
     
  17. Nev

    Nev Yellow Belt

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    I understand what you are saying but I originally joined a martial arts gym to work out while socializing, and then learned that most people who do martial arts just want to train - at least at my gym. A lot of my friendliness was rebuffed, I tried to organize lunches but people didn't want to go (not because of me but because of time constraints or because they had their own circle within the gym) and it became disheartening after a while. I also felt I had to be friendly to new people (especially girls) because no one else was, but now like you said not everyone can have my time, I don't work there after all. I don't have to talk to anyone just because they talk to me.
     
  18. Headhunter

    Headhunter Senior Master

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    Well that's the thing. People are paying to do martial arts so there's nothing wrong with focusing on that more than talking. Heck I'd be the same, ill happily talk before and after class but during im there to work out and train
     
  19. taistrong

    taistrong White Belt

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    Have you talked to him about it?

    Better just keep things professional then.
     
  20. Nev

    Nev Yellow Belt

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    Thing is no one talks to me, they just want to talk to him so I'm pretty isolated now. He's one of those macho guys smaller guys/teens want to be like (our class)

    I tried talking to him about it last time it happened but we fell into the same patterns again. I think we are both done.

    At least I was able to get through class today without feeling angry but I am acutely aware of him the whole lesson and we are avoiding eachother. I guess with time maybe it will get better who knows.
     

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