Adept
Master Black Belt
History began some 50,000 years ago. Humans existed as members of small
bands of nomadic hunter-gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains in
the summer & would go to the beach & live on fish & lobster in winter.
The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer &
the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer.
These were the foundation of modern civilization & together were the
catalyst for the splitting of humanity into 2 distinct subgroups: Liberals &
Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered it required grain & that was the beginning of
agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so
while our early human ancestors were sitting around waiting for them to be
invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were
formed.
Some men spent their days tracking & killing animals to B-B-Q at night while
they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as "the
Conservative movement."
Other men who were weaker & less skilled at hunting learned to live off the
conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's & doing the sewing,
fetching & hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.
Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became
known as 'girleymen.'
Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the
invention of group therapy & group hugs & the concept of Democratic voting
to decide how to divide the meat & beer that conservatives provided.
Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most
powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the
jackass.
Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white
wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well
done. Sushi, tofu, & French food are standard liberal fare. Another
interesting revolutionary side note: most of their women have higher
testosterone levels than their men.
Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in
Hollywood & group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated
hitter rule because it wasn't "fair" to make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat & still provide for
their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks,
construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate
executives, soldiers, athletes & generally anyone who works productively
outside government. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives
who want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to "govern" the producers &
decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more
enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in
Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the
Wild West was tame & created a business of trying to get MORE for nothing.
Here ends today's lesson in world history.
bands of nomadic hunter-gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains in
the summer & would go to the beach & live on fish & lobster in winter.
The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer &
the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer.
These were the foundation of modern civilization & together were the
catalyst for the splitting of humanity into 2 distinct subgroups: Liberals &
Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered it required grain & that was the beginning of
agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so
while our early human ancestors were sitting around waiting for them to be
invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were
formed.
Some men spent their days tracking & killing animals to B-B-Q at night while
they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as "the
Conservative movement."
Other men who were weaker & less skilled at hunting learned to live off the
conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's & doing the sewing,
fetching & hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.
Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became
known as 'girleymen.'
Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the
invention of group therapy & group hugs & the concept of Democratic voting
to decide how to divide the meat & beer that conservatives provided.
Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most
powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the
jackass.
Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white
wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well
done. Sushi, tofu, & French food are standard liberal fare. Another
interesting revolutionary side note: most of their women have higher
testosterone levels than their men.
Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in
Hollywood & group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated
hitter rule because it wasn't "fair" to make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat & still provide for
their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks,
construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate
executives, soldiers, athletes & generally anyone who works productively
outside government. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives
who want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to "govern" the producers &
decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more
enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in
Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the
Wild West was tame & created a business of trying to get MORE for nothing.
Here ends today's lesson in world history.
