10 best answering machine messages

[KenpoTex]

10 Best answering machine messages

10. My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.

9. Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity at the office and don't need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and home phone number and they will get back to you.

8. This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic
thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your number, and your reason for calling.... and I'll think about returning your call.

7. Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

6. Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my bank, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have LOTS of money.

5. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So, leave a message.

4. Hello! If you leave a message, I'll call you soon. If you leave a "sexy" message, I'll call sooner.

3.Hi. Now YOU say something.

2. Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

And the Number 1 Actual Answering Machine Message Recorded and Verified by The World Famous International Institute of Answering Machine Messages.

1. Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right...real slow. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth, we'll call you back

 

[Gary Crawford]

I used to use some fun messages.I recorded the recording you get when you call a disconnected number and used that for awhile.Then I recorded the recording you get when you call a local long distance number with out dialing "1" or "0".That one really anoyed people."The number you have dialed requires a "1" or "0" when dialing this number".If the caller tries calling with a "1" or "0", they would hear "It is not necessary to dial a "1" or "0" when dialing this number!"

 

[Bob Hubbard]

:rofl:

I've got a few..will have to type them out though..

Lets see...1 is a StarTrek one.. (Who woulda guessed huh?)
1 is a Boris Karloff one,
got Howard Stern, Jack Nicolson, Sam Kinison, and a few more.

 

[Bob Hubbard]

Star Trek ones:

Commander Data: "If you will enunciate clearly into the speaking apparatus, the soundwave storage mechanism will acquire your signal for replication at the sounding of the 308 hertz tonal signal. I will endeavor to convey a reciprocating verbal composition at my earliest convenience." <beep>
Uhura: "Honey, I am off duty. You can just go open those hailing frequencies yourself, sugar." <beep>

Captain Kirk: "If you are a blonde, press 1; brunette, press 2; if you are a female of a superior species, press 3; if you have green skin or two heads, press the star key to be connected directly to my personal secretary." <beep>

Commander Riker: "What he said." <beep>

Doctor McCoy: "Damn it, I'm a doctor, not a messenger service!" <beep>

Quark: "I would be more than happy to record your message at the beep, provided we can come to some mutually profitable arrangement..." <cha-ching!>

Worf: "True warriors do not leave messages, but call back later. For it is a good day to dial."

Kahn Noonian Singh: "From hell's heart I stab at thee. With my last breath, I spit at thee. With my next call, I shall answer thee." <beep>

Doctor Phlox: "Amazing! Why, it's a primitive communications recording device - how very quaint! I've seen these described in old human literary texts. This device bears a striking resemblance to the Gorashnian Pinbarb Slugs on Merak Three - I think I have a picture of them in here somewhere... ah, here they are. You see, they have a remarkable ability to record the spoken word, and unlike the human devices with their one minute time limit, Pinbarb Slugs ca..." <beep>

Mr. Scott: "Captain! Mah poor answerin' machine has just about run oot o' tape! She canna take much more 'a this poundin!" <beep>

Mr. Spock: "Your attempt to contact me in my absence is highly illogical." <beep>

Counselor Troi: "I can sense your frustration at reaching this message. Please feel your emotions at the beep and I will counsel you at a later time." <beep>

Captain Archer: "Uh, hello? Hello? Is this thing on? Hello? Trip, is this thing working or not? Hello? Darn it, I see the little light blinking, but how do I tell if it's recor..." <beep>

The Holographic Doctor: "Please state the nature of the telephone emergency." <beep>

Romulan Admiral Tomalok: "Look, I'll make this simple. If you are a casting agent who is calling to offer me a guest television appearance where I don't need to glue latex prostheses to my face, leave a message at the beep. Otherwise, buzz off!" <beep>

Wesley Crusher: "Look, i didn't write my lines, I didn't do the directing, and I didn't pick my costumes. So if you're calling me to tell me how much you hated my character, you can just go fu..." <beep>

Captain Picard: "Shut up, Wesley!" <beep>

Seven of Nine: "Being at home is irrelevant. Calling back is futile. Your message will be assimilated. We will add its distinctiveness and content to our own." <buzz buzz>

Ensign Rodriguez from Security: "Hi, I've been assigned to a landing party and can't come to the phone right now. Leave a message and... oh my God, what is that thing? Stay back! Stay back, or I'll... Aaaauugh!!! (sound of phaser fire and bones crunching)" <beep>

 

[Bob Hubbard]

A few more...some good, some, well.....ehh..

SciFi Answerphone Me

STAR TREK / STAR WARS ANSWERING MACHINE MESSAGES

Bridge, Kirk here.

Starship Enterprise, Uhura here, can you hold please? -- Captain, there is a transmission coming in on hailing frequency seven, do you want it on screen?

(Star Trek theme in the background (Voice 1 Room 17, the final frontier. (Voice 2 These are the messages of Chad's answering machine. Its two semester mission: To seek out your name and your telephone number. (Voice 3 To boldly inform you to wait for the tone.

Thank you for calling Starfleet Command. No starships are in the quadrant at this time, so at the sound of the subspace tone, tell us your name, the planet you are calling from, and how many Klingons are attacking.

(Bad imitations Picard: Assume standard orbit, Mr. LaForge. Sensor readings, Lieutenant? Worf: Scanning, Captain... Strange... No life-forms. Picard: Recommendations, Mr. Data? Data: Intriguing, Captain. Perhaps we should simply leave a message.

(Borg voice WE ARE BORG. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE. YOUR PHONE CALL, AS IT HAS BEEN, IS NOW OVER. YOUR MESSAGE WILL BE ASSIMILATED AT THE BEEP. But we're not home right now. So leave a message and we'll assimilate you later. (or) Borg communications router. Unit addressed unavailable. Hails are irrelevant. Messages are irrelevant. You are irrelevant. Nonetheless, leave message if you wish. Wait for indicative, high frequency, acoustic spike... (Background Error, error! Wishes are irrelevant. Acoustic spikes are irrelevant.

(Chekov's voice Oh Keptin! It was Khan! He made us do things... Say things we did not vant to say... But we vere strong, Keptin! Ve held out until ve heard the beep...

Hello, you've reached 555-1312, the Apartment at the End of the Universe. Please leave your message, name and number at the sound of the tone. Keep your hands, feet, extremities, and obscenities inside the car at all times. Enjoy your ride.

(Darth Vader voice Speak, worm!

Alpha Centauri Space Station. Commander Marlin can't come to the phone right now. He's either saving the universe from some dread, unnamed peril, or perhaps taking a nappie. Leave your name and number after the beep and he will return your call.

A bubble in the space-time continuum has connected your line to a channeler in the 23rd century. Any message you leave will be broadcast into the future.

You have reached the offices of the planet Zarton. All our agents are busy undermining the governments of the Earth and cannot come to phone at the moment. However, your name and number can be left at the tone and a representative will gladly contact you shortly to arrange for your assimilation into the new order. Long groblint the ultimate blenstron.

Steve has been captured by a flying saucer and can't come to the phone right now, but if you leave your name, phone number, and a message, I'll have him call you back as soon as he gets away. Read all about it in next week's National Enquirer.

Hello, this is Jim. Unfortunately I can't answer the phone right now because I've just come back from the Mirror Worlds and I'm still made up of antimatter, so if I were to pick up the phone right now, the resulting energy release would make Hiroshima look like a wet firecracker. So leave a message at the tone and I'll get back to you as soon as my component particles have been restored to their normal charges.

 

[Bob Hubbard]

Also... http://www.zeltser.com/humor/answ.machines.html

 

[Flatlander]

Worf: "True warriors do not leave messages, but call back later. For it is a good day to dial."

:rofl: Love that one!

 

[mj-hi-yah]

Mr. Scott: "Captain! Mah poor answerin' machine has just about run oot o' tape! She canna take much more 'a this poundin!" <beep>

OK that's my fave!!! :rofl: I could really use this one!