Jokes

[KatGurl]

This is where you can show off your jokes. Here's mine:

Trading in your car is alot like breaking up, make sure you get the stereo. :D

[grimfang]

A couple had two little boys, ages eight and ten, who were excessively mischievous. The two were always getting into trouble and their parents could be confident that if any mischief occurred in their town, their two young sons were involved in some capacity. The parents were at their wit's end as to what to do about their sons' behavior. The parents had heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children in the past, so they contacted him, and he agreed to give it his best shot. He asked to see the boys individually, so the eight-year-old was sent to meet with him first. The clergyman sat the boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?" The boy made no response, so the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer, so the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face, "WHERE IS GOD?" At that, the boy bolted from the room, ran directly home, and slammed himself in his closet. His older brother followed him into the closet and said, "What happened?" The younger brother replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing and they think we did it!"

[Master of Blades]

You heard the one about the cannibal? :confused:



He wouldnt eat the clown because he tasted funny! :D

[Kirk]

Originally posted by Master of Blades
You heard the one about the cannibal? :confused:



He wouldnt eat the clown because he tasted funny! :D

Good joke, but your delivery was terrible ... "Two cannibals were
eating a clown .. one looks to the other and says, "does this
taste funny to you?"

[Bob Hubbard]

eww....

that one was bad.

heres a worse one:


The blonde test taker
A blonde reports for her university final exam which consists of mainly true and false questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet: true for heads and false for tails. Within thirty minutes she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is still working furiously.

During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is happening.

"I finished the exam in a half hour," she replies. "Now I'm rechecking my answers."

[Ender]

Did you hear about the cannibal who passed his mother in law in the woods?

[Aikikitty]

Originally posted by Ender
Did you hear about the cannibal who passed his mother in law in the woods?

LOL!!! :rofl:

Robyn :D

[Kirk]

What does a cannibal call a phone book? a menu!

-

Did you hear the one about the cannibal who dumped his girlfriend?

-

Ever member here can bite me!
:rofl:

[Cryozombie]

How many Mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two if you can get em in the bulb...

[KatGurl]

Originally posted by Technopunk
How many Mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two if you can get em in the bulb...

Lol!! :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

[KatGurl]

There were three girls, a blonde, a brunette and a red head and
the were at the doctors office because they had all gotten
pregnant. As they were sitting there talking, the brunette
said "I'm going to have a boy because I was on top". The red
head said "Well I am going to have a girl because I was on the
bottom." The blonde starded crying hysterically and the other
two girls asked "What's wrong?" The blonde said "Oh no I'm
going to have puppies!"

[GaryM]

When they asked Jeffrey Dalmer why he was keeping testicles in his freezer he replied "... sometimes you feel like a nut..."*

* sung to the tune of mounds/almond joy commercial

[Kingston]

ok heres a couple of jokes

Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?

...he worked it out with a pencil.

Did you hear about the butcher who backed into the meat grinder?

....he got a little behind in his work.

Did you hear about the blind carpenter?

he picked up his hammer and saw.

what do you call a row of black men burried up to there necks in sand?

....afro turf.

[KatGurl]

One day a blonde named Susan came outside to check her mail. She opened the mailbox looked inside and started thumping her feet on the ground and screaming! The next door neighboor watched her. In a few hours, Susan came outside to check her mail again, when she looked inside she started screaming again. The neighboor watched her. The next day, Susan once again started a fit when she checked her mailbox. The next-door neighboor came up to Susan and asked.

"Why do you start a fit every time you check your mailbox?"

"Who ever said computers were smart? I was working on my computer, and it said 'You've got mail!'"

[KatGurl]

In an elevator...

When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.

Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.

Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.

Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream 'that's mine'.

Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.

Move your desk into the elevator and whenever someone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.

Leave a box in the corner and when someone gets on ask them if they hear something ticking.

Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.

Ask, 'Did you feel that?'

Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.

When the doors close, announce to the others, 'It's okay, don't panic, they open again.'

Call out 'group hug', and then enforce it.

Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.

Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

[Kirk]

Originally posted by GaryM
When they asked Jeffrey Dalmer why he was keeping testicles in his freezer he replied "... sometimes you feel like a nut..."*

* sung to the tune of mounds/almond joy commercial


Bravo, bravo!

[KatGurl]

How dogs are better than men:

1. Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
2. Dogs miss you when you're gone.
3. Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong.
4. Dogs admit when they're jealous.
5. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
6. Dogs do not play games with you, except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw).
7. You can train a dog.
8. Dogs are easy to buy for.
9. The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas (okay, really, the worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it and you can kill the one that gives it to you).
10. Dogs understand what "no" means.
11. Dogs mean it when they kiss you.

[Ender]

Ten things men know about women:

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. They got boobs.

:D

[fist of fury]

More things to do in an elevator:

* Wave hands wildly at invisible flies buzzing around your
head.
* Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
* Shave.
* Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering
inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
* Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall,
without getting off.
* When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the
doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by
themselves.
* Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm
handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
* On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it
stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft
go "plink" at the bottom.
* Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then
announce: "I've got new socks on!"
* When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back:
"Oh, I hate... motion sickness!"
* Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your
nose.
* Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say
"oops!"
* Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
* Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce
"You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the
elevator.
* Leave a box between the doors.
* Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button
for them.
* Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers
"through" it.
* When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that
your beeper?"
* Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce
to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
* Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
* If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad
touch!"
* While the doors are opening, hurriedly whisper, "Hide
it...quick!" then whistle innocently.

[fist of fury]

You know you work in the IT industry if.....

1. You've sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for three
different companies.

2. Your company's welcome sign is attached with Velcro.

3. The company's stockprice is keep going down and your CEO keep on telling
that its expected and good for the company.

4. Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket.

5. Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose your
best jokes.

6. You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet.

7. Salaries of the members on the Executive Board are higher than
all the Third World countries' annual budgets combined.

8. You think lunch is just a meeting to which you drive.

9. It's dark when you drive to and from work.

10. You see a good looking person and know it is a visitor.

11. Free food left over from meetings is your main staple.

12. Weekends are those days your spouse makes you stay home.

13. Being sick is defined as can't walk or you're in the
hospital.

14. You're already late on the assignment you just got.

15. You work 200 hours for the $100 bonus check and jubilantly
say "Oh wow, thanks!"

16. Instead of payraise, you get new title and businesscard:
"You are now Senior Content Implementation Consideration Programmer"
"Thanks!"

17. Dilbert cartoons hang outside every cube.

18. Your boss' favorite lines are "when you get a few minutes,"
"in your spare time," "when you're freed up," and "I have an
opportunity for you."

19. Vacation is something you roll over to next year or a check you
get every January.

20. Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with
computers."

21. The only reason you recognize your kids is because their
pictures are hanging in your cube.

22. You read this entire list, understood it and added two more true statements
to this list before forwarding it to all your friends
(which accidently are the same as your businesscontacts).

[fist of fury]

Things you would never know without the movies

1. During all police investigations it will be necessary to
visit a strip club at least once.

2. All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.

3. All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up
to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the
man lying beside her.

4. If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world
expert in Nuclear Fission at age 22.

5. Being a computer programmer means that you recognize and know all
backdoors to any kind of software on any kind of computer
in any timecritical moment.

6. Being a detective means that you always find the killer just the minute
before the criminal is about to commit some new horrifying crime.

7. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding
place. No-one will ever think of looking for you in there and
you can travel to any other part of the building you want
without difficulty.

8. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it
will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent
will do.

9. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious
beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

10. Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen
at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light
instead.

11. If in a black room: light one candle, it will be sufficient light
for the whole room.

12. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any
strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

13. Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.

14. Wearing a vest or stripping to the waist can make a man
invulnerable to bullets.

15. If you find yourself caught up in a misunderstanding that
could be cleared up quickly with a simple explanation, for
goodness sake, keep your mouth shut.

16. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright
and pant.

17. A cough is usually the sign of a terminal illness.

18. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with
large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to
go off.

19. When in love, it is customary to burst into song.

20. When confronted by an evil international terrorist, sarcasm
and wisecracks are your best weapons.

21. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them
than 20 men firing at 1 man.

22. Creepy music coming from a cemetery should always be
investigated more closely.

23. If being fired at by Germans, hide in a river - or even a bath.
German bullets are unable to penetrate water.

24. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the
communication systems of any invading alien civilization.

25. Freelance helicopter pilots are always eager to accept bookings
from international terrorist organizations - even though the job
will require them to shoot total strangers and will end in their
own certain death as the helicopter explodes in a ball of flames.

26. Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper clippings - especially
if any of their family or friends have died in a strange boating
accident.

27. All computer disks will work in all computers, regardless of
software.

28. Important data that terrorists want to get their hands on
is always stored on ONE floppy disk only.
It is not possible for the hero to make a backup of that floppy.

29. Anyone typing on a computer when someone is looking over their
shoulder type everything perfectly without having to use backspace.

30. Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make
sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total
opposite.

31. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to
each other.

32. Action heroes never face charges for manslaughter or criminal
damage despite laying entire cities to waste by their actions.

33. When police arrive to a crime scene finding one man standing alone with
fires all around him, loads of dead men and money flying around in the wind;
there is only one possiblity: that man has to one of the good ones so
there is no need to arrest him or question him further.

34. You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

35. Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in
seconds - unless it's the door to a burning building with a
child trapped inside.

36. You can tell if somebody is British because they will be
wearing a bow tie.

37. When driving a car it is normal to look not at the road but
at the person sitting beside you or in the back seat for the
entire journey.

38. An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will
cause no lasting damage to an eight year old child.

39. Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned
down three days before their retirement.

40. The more a man and a woman hate each other, the more likely
they will fall in love.

41. Having a job of any kind will make father's forget their son's
eighth birthday.

[fist of fury]

Two sea monsters were swimming around in the ocean,
looking for something to do. They came up underneath
a ship that was hauling potatoes. Bob, the first sea
monster, swam underneath the ship, tipped it over and
ate everything on the ship.

A little while later, they came up to another ship, again
hauling potatoes. Bob again capsizes the ship and eats
everything onboard.

The third ship they found was also hauling potatoes and
Bob once again capsized it and ate everything.

Finally his buddy Bill asked him, "Why do you keep
tipping over those ships full of potatoes and eating
everything on board?"

Bob replied, "I wish I hadn't, but I just can't help myself
once I start. Everyone knows you can't eat just one potato ship."

[fist of fury]

A turtle is mugged by three snails. When asked by police to give a descriptiion of what happened, he replies: "I don't know, it all happened so fast!"

[fist of fury]

A man was found murdered in his home over the weekend. Detectives at the scene found the man face down in his tub. The tub had been filled with milk, and the deceased had a banana protruding from his butt.

Police suspect a cereal killer.

[fist of fury]

Two Tree's are confused....

Two tall trees are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow betweenthem. One tree says to the other, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch." The other says that he cannot tell.

So a woodpecker lands on the small tree. The big tree says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. That, gentlemen, is the best piece of ash I have ever had my pecker in!"

[Ken JP Stuczynski]

Originally posted by KatGurl
In an elevator...



I've DONE some of these!

:D

[Cruentus]

An average guy survives a shipwreck, and ends up on a beautiful but deserted tropical Island. A week later, he spots a private lear Jet which crashes into the sea. Low and behold, his dream girl, Carmen Electra, floats to shore. He revives her.

Outside of this man and Carmen Electra, there were no other survivors from the crash. So these two work together to build shelter, hunt, fish, and gather fruit and vegetables. This Island is a paradise, though; and food is plentiful and the weather is great. So it didn't take much effort for them to learn how to survive, so soon they were living in paradise with a ton of leasure time.

Being the only man and woman on the island, naturally they fall madly in love. For this average guy this is like a dream come true, for under normal circumstances he wouldn't even be able to get a woman like Carmen to even look at him. She becomes very dedicated to him, and she will do anything to please him. They spend the next 6 months living in paradise, and making love at least nightly.

After a while, Carmen Electra notices that her new mate was starting to act irritable and unsatisfied. So she asks, "Honey, you seem unsatisfied? I am in paradise here with you, and I want you to be happy. What can I do to make you happy?" The man replies, "Oh honey, I don't know if you can help....." "Please Honey, I'll do anything you ask....just tell me what I can do."She pleads.

So the man thinks for a good couple of minutes, then all of a sudden, the lightbulb goes on! "Carmen! I know what you can Do!"

"Yes Honey, Anything!"

So he takes some of his old clothes from the wreck, "Here, Carmen, put some of my clothes on, and tuck your hair into this baseball cap." Then he takes some ash from the camp-fire, " Also, put some ash under your nose and on your chin, so it'll look like a mans whiskers." She looks at him in a very confused manner, but does as he asks. Now she resembles a man.

"Now, Carmen, Walk in that direction [points] around the perimiter of the island"

She asks, "Honey, are you sure this is what will satisfy you?"

"Trust me, it will!" He replies. So she begins walking around the perimiter of the island.The man walks around the perimiter in the opposite direction.

When he runs into her on the other side of the island he says,
"Hey dude! You'll never guess who I'm bangin'!"

:rofl:

Paul

P.S. Yes, I know...all that reading for that lame @$$ punchline. Ah well, what-r-u-gonna-do? :shrug: :D

[Cruentus]

:D

Here's male shovenism at its finest:

What does a battered woman do after she gets out of the battered womans clinic?

The dishes, If she know what's good for her!

What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?

Nothin.....you already told her twice!

:rolleyes: :rofl:

Paul

P.S. Forgive me.....I think piggy male jokes are funny...but thats just me.:)

[Randy Strausbaugh]

Some old folks are on a bus tour. At one of the stops, an elderly woman tells the driver she's been sexually harassed. Thinking the woman is delusional, the driver does nothing. A minute later, another woman comes up to the driver, complaining about sexual harassment. Deciding that there must be something to it, the driver goes to the back of the bus, where he finds an elderly man crawling about on the floor. "Can I help you, sir?" he asks. The old man replies, "I sure hope so. I lost my toupee a bit ago, and I've been looking for it. I thought twice that I had found it, but both of those were parted in the middle, and mine is parted on the side".

Trying to avoid life's potholes,
Randy Strausbaugh

[GaryM]

Two drunks are shring a bottle on a park bench when a dog walks up and sits down in front of them and proceeds to start licking it's balls. "Man " says the one drunk "I sure wish I could do that". The other one says "Maybe you should try petting him first"

[Touch Of Death]

What does an inststructor say to a student with two black eyes?
nothing, he has already tried telling him twice.

[KatGurl]

oops.... this post was accidently made.... :o

[KatGurl]

Top 10 Ways To Annoy Your Waiter

10. Eight hour lunch, two dollar tip.

9. Ask, "Excuse me, are you a really bad singer, or a really bad actor?"

8. After he describes each special, you shout, "Garbage!"

7. Whenever he walks by, cough and mutter, "Minimum wage".

6. Every few seconds, yell, "More waffles, Cuomo!"

5. Insist that before ordering, you be allowed to touch the London broil.

4. Tie tablecloth around neck and say, "You wouldn't charge Superman for dinner, would you?"

3. Every time you eat or drink, cough really hard.

2. As he walks by to the kitchen, scream, "He's gonna spit in the chowder!"

1. Three words: eat the check.

[KatGurl]

I Have A Microsoft Waiter


Patron: Waiter!

Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support Waiter. What seems to be the problem?

Patron: There's a fly in my soup!

Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.

Patron: No, it's still there.

Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup; try eating it with a fork instead.

Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.

Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are you using?

Patron: A SOUP bowl!

Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem; how was the bowl set up?

Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that to do with the fly in my soup?!

Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?

Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!

Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?

Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day?

Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.

Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?

Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.

Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I'm running late now.

[Waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check]

Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.

Patron: This is potato soup.

Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.

Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.

[The waiter leaves.]

Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!

[YouAgain]

o.O how bout this?

Bill Gates, Michael Jordan, Mother Teresa, a college kid, and a pilot are all in a plane togeather. Suddenly, the engines die because the plane ran out of fuel.

At this point, there are four parachutes left.

The pilot runs out of the cockpit, grabs a parachute, says "I am the best pilot in the world, I deseve to live" and jumps out of the plane.

At this point, there are three parachutes left.

Michael Jordan qucikly grabs a parachute, says "I am the best basketball player in the world, I deserve to live!", and procedes to jump out of the plane.

At this point, there are two parachutes left.

Bill Gates grabs a parchute, says "I am the smartest man in the world, I deserve to live!" and jumps out of the plane.

After a moment, Mother Teresa says to the college kid: "Take the last parachute! Save yourself! I've lived a long, fruitful life. The Good Lord has chosen me to die now."

The college kid replied: "No he didn't! There are two parachutes left! The smartest man in the world just jumped out with my backpack!!!"




* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
I just like that one!

[KatGurl]

LOL! :rofl: Great one, YouAgain! :D

[KatGurl]

You never feed me.
Perhaps I'll sleep on your face.
That will sure show you.


You *must* scratch me there!
Yes, above my tail!
Behold, elevator butt.


The rule for today:
Touch my tail, I shred your hand.
New rule tomorrow.


Grace personified.
I leap into the window.
I meant to do that.


Blur of motion, then --
Silence, me, a paper bag.
What is so funny?


You're always typing.
Well, let's see you ignore my
sitting on your hands.


My small cardboard box.
You cannot see me if I
Can just hide my head.


Terrible battle.
I fought for hours. Come and see!
What's a 'term paper?'


Small brave carnivores
Kill pine cones and mosquitoes
Fear vacuum cleaner.


I want to be close
to you. Can I fit my head
inside your armpit?


Wanna go outside.
Oh, crap! Help! I got outside!
Let me back inside!


Oh no! Big One
has been trapped by newspaper!
Cat to the rescue!


Humans are so strange.
Mine lies still in bed, then screams.
My claws are not that sharp.


Cats meow out of angst
"Thumbs! If only we had thumbs!
We could break so much!"


The Big Ones snore now
Every room is dark and cold
Time for "Cup Hockey."


In deep sleep hear sound
Cat vomit hair ball somewhere
Will find in morning.


We're almost equals
I purr to show I love you.
Want to smell my butt?


The cat is not all
Bad - she fills the litter box
With Tootsie Rolls.

[Seig]

Have you been talking to Tess's cat?:rofl:

[KatGurl]

Originally posted by Seig
Have you been talking to Tess's cat?:rofl:

Noooo.... :uhoh:http://www.kurts-smilies.de/hypocrite.gif

[Cruentus]

I have 2 cats, so I found that to be pretty funny! :D

[KatGurl]

Originally posted by PAUL
I have 2 cats, so I found that to be pretty funny! :D

I've got 5. 6 if you include me :)

[Seig]

1 has us, but she won't admit it in public.

[jfarnsworth]

I have 4 too many.

[Seig]

Originally posted by jfarnsworth
I have 4 too many.
Did someone say stir-fry?

[jfarnsworth]

Originally posted by Seig
Did someone say stir-fry?

Only at certain restaraunts are they a delicasy:rofl:

[Seig]

Originally posted by jfarnsworth
Only at certain restaraunts are they a delicasy:rofl:
But not at Chez Farnsworth?

[jfarnsworth]

Originally posted by Seig
But not at Chez Farnsworth?

You got it.;)

[Seig]

I tried to snort Coke once.
I almost drowned.

[Ender]

Originally posted by Seig
I tried to snort Coke once.
I almost drowned.
try diet coke.

[Seig]

Originally posted by Ender
try diet coke.
I did, I got light headed

[Bob Hubbard]

It just made my nose burn....I prefer 7-up :)