I have trained in Martial Arts now for 10 years and have been married for 12. All this time I have tried in vain to convince my wife to give MA training a chance, and she absolutely refuses every time. I train pretty hard and from time to time I have come home with a bruise or 2 from sparring. I have tried to explain she doesn't have to fight to train, but I think she is afraid of getting hurt. She works in the city and has to walk about half a block to and from the parking lot, I know I would feel better if she knew how to deal with a threatening situation. Does anyone have any advise?

Try taking a QiGong or Taiji class with her. If she likes the health benefits, it may be easier to get her into other MA.

Your wife may not want to go to a martial arts class with you looking on it as your domain and then there is the element of competition, like my other half, he is not interested in training since I am instructing, but he will happily sit through martial arts movies etc. Perhaps your wife might consider taking up an art if a freind starts with her and in a different art to you? Sanfeng has a good point about maybe taiji as a way into other training. Otherwise, I guess you can't force someone into training...like I would never sit to learn the piano. Could you look around for a 'ladies only' class or someone running a ladies self defence workshop. Once she has learned a few locks and gets a bit of a feeling of power she may become more interested. Does she do any other exercise? Perhaps you could sell it to her on the fitness weight control aspect.

Unfortunately, the MAs are not for everyone. I've tried to get my wife involved as well, but she's just not interested. In my school I have a variety of different classes that appeal to different people. All the way from Fitness Kickboxing, to Tai Chi, to Kung Fu. I have women in all of them, but not many do different things. Usually there's one thing that attracts them and they'll go that route.

These classes generally attract women:
- Self Defense
- Tai Chi
- Fitness Kickboxing

The older the woman, the less likely she'll want the contact side and will stick with the Tai Chi.

In my experience, women generally want the work-out without the "pajamas", ranking, contact, and that allows her to wear shoes. If you can find a class that combines these elements you may be able to attract her.

Look around and see what other arts are offered nearby, perhaps she just doesn't want to do it at your specific school.

WhiteBirch

Thanks for the feedback, I'll try a new approach

"All this time I have tried in vain to convince my wife to give MA training a chance, and she absolutely refuses every time."

"Does anyone have any advise?"

Yup

Threaten to get a divorce.

I'm serious, that is how serious I am about self defence for women. Lazyness and fear should not get in the way of taking responsibility for ones own safety.

Truth is though I would never get to that point as this is something that all my girlfriends have known was very important to me when they got into the relationship with me and so just go along with it. You got to nip it in the bud early!!

If you think I'm a little controlling or weird for being this way keep in mind that many family members and the majority of my girlfrends in the past have been raped. Either I'm a magnet for victims or I get them to open up to me and tell me things they don't tell anyone else. In any case, I see no excuse for not knowing how to street proof yourself to at least some extent.

Damian Mavis
Honour TKD

Tell her you don't want her to come to your class. Insist she doesn't. Skip happily in and out the door to and from training. Smile a beatific smile whenever class is mentioned, then say, "You've been right all this time, honey. You shouldn't come to training."

She'll be there, with bells on.:D

Members, I think Mr. Mavis is absolutely correct in stating that a woman's responsibility for her own self-defense is of utmost importance. The knowledge of any Martial Art style or system of self-defense is extemely beneficial especially if you're a woman.

I would feel very nervous about my wife walking a block and a half to get to her car, especially at night if she wasn't prepared to defend herself against an attacker. For that matter, I would feel nervous about any woman, with or without having MA training, having to walk 1 1/2 blocks alone at night in the city, but let me not stray from this issue...

Anyway, White Tiger, why not have your wife try training at a school/dojang/dojo other than your own. This way she will not feel anxious about having you looking over her shoulder as she works out. Some people may not feel comfortable having their family and friends watching them train when they first begin in the MAs. Finally, I would agree with the suggestion that your wife begin with a softer style MA such as Tai Chi. Whichever MA you can convince her to try is better than having no self-defense knowledge at all... :asian:

Tell her you don't want her to come to your class. Insist she doesn't. Skip happily in and out the door to and from training. Smile a beatific smile whenever class is mentioned, then say, "You've been right all this time, honey. You shouldn't come to training. She'll be there, with bells on" oh my what are you suggesting, that women are shallow and attention seeking.....:rofl: :angel:

No...and certianly not contrary, either. :D

hmmm...

start talking about this "really hot chick" you met in the dojo....

she'll be there!

just kidding. don't do that.

sit her down and explain to her that you worry about her, and that it would make you feel more secure and worry less when she's out if you knew that she could defend herself if necessary. Then simply ask her to try it for three months. And promise that if after three months, she wants to quit, that's okay with you, and you'll never, ever mention it again.

and then you tell her that if she goes to self defense lessons as a favor to you, you owe her a BIG favor in return...something like unlimited backrubs whenever she wants for as long as she's training, or nice dinners out somewhere, a weekend visit to a spa with one of her female friends at the end of three months, or something. in otherwords... BRIBE HER.

Originally posted by Damian Mavis
Threaten to get a divorce.

horrible idea


Originally posted by Damian Mavis
Either I'm a magnet for victims or I get them to open up to me and tell me things they don't tell anyone else. [/B]

actually some people are "magnets" for people with certain types of dispositions and personality traits. recent studies show that by the time women reach the age of retirement 1 of 3 will have either been raped or molested. so chances are that everyone on this planet knows a few women who have been raped, abused and/or molested. most people just dont know about it because most women just dont talk about it.

When my daughter was really young, about 5 or 6, she really liked the MAs because it was during that Power Rangers, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles era in the early 90's. So, she asked me to enroll her in MA training.

Later, after training for a while she started to get tired of the MAs. I told her "You started this, you do not QUIT! It's about Perserverence. Just finish it until you reach BLACK!". I just wanted her to finish what she started. Is that being a hard ass or what?

Anyway, now, after years of training, she's a teenager and she has earned her 1st poom BLACK belt.

What has surprised me is that she's still into it. Now she's telling me that she wants to get ready for the 2nd dan BLACK test.

Some of the time I feel lazy and I don't feel like going to the dojang to train and she's all over me and grills me, "what's the matter Daddy! Why aren't you going to train tonight???" .

I think I' ve created a MA monster... :rolleyes:

It's all good though. At least she understands that once you begin a project, you have to follow through on it.

Next project for her I guess is joining the girls drill team or the cheerleading squad. :)

As someone mentioned, it's a womans own job to take responsibility for her own safety and security. If your wife feels comfortable no being trained in MA, then it's really her own perogative. She's a grown woman and you can't force her into something she's not interested in doing. If you do, she won't get anything out of it because she won't have the drive to really learn it. On the other hand, why don't you take a round about route in this issue? Have a candid discussion about safety and how you just want to make sure she can handle herself in any possible situation. Come to an agreement that she should do SOMETHING to ensure this and then let HER decide what to do. Then everybody's happy. Also, what if YOU taught her some basic self-defense techniques. She may be more than willing to do that without the formal training. Or maybe she would be willing to go to a self-defense seminar only. You need to find out WHY she doesn't want to join then you can work with those reasons for getting her to act. Hope some of this helped. :)

Originally posted by nightingale8472
hmmm...

start talking about this "really hot chick" you met in the dojo....

she'll be there!



Funny how things like that work. :cool:

Tell her you don't want her to come to your class. Insist she doesn't. Skip happily in and out the door to and from training. Smile a beatific smile whenever class is mentioned, then say, "You've been right all this time, honey. You shouldn't come to training. She'll be there, with bells on"


start talking about this "really hot chick" you met in the dojo....

I don't believe mind games are what the spouses want in their mate. Don't try to trick them into going. It could be more detrimental in the long run.




Threaten to get a divorce.
Although could work...you must remember to limit the number of times in your life when you give an ultimatum. Typically, both parties lose in an ultimatum.

The ideas of Tai chi schools, and different Dojo's are great. One other option is enroll her into the self defence (2,3, 4 day) courses a different school, or your own school may have. She gets comfortable doing something about self defense, she doesn't have to commit to a life time of training (as martial arts are supposed to be), and you have the potential of a lifelong martial arts partner.

Another option, Have her play a role in the school you belong too, maybe as a part time job, or cleaning dojo. School mom type roll for the kids class..Get her involved in the school, but in a different capacity. Sometimes, people just don't feel comfortable jumping into a sport, contact activity...This could warm her up to the idea when she can see the benefits first hand, the safety behind the club and meet many new friends.

I have had many mom's and dad's and even grand parents take part in my classes... Some joined and stayed, most have participated in some form or another. We have mom's who take arnis, but not karate. Some take every womens self defense class we offer in the school. From the first intro lesson of the child, I have a parent come on the floor with the child to hold the bag, or do a technique with them. It makes everyone more comfortable with the whole training idea!!

Good luck,

On threatening divorce.....

Personally, if my husband ever threatened divorce in an effort to try to get me to do something, it would give me that much more fuel NOT to do it! That type of tactic only creates resentment and is very counterproductive.

There are just a few things worthy of divorce: Infedelity, abuse and NOT GOING TO YOUR MARTIAL ARTS CLASSES.

Damian Mavis
Honour TKD

LOL!

WT,

Try involving her in others ways. If she won't train with you now perhaps she'll help with seminars. Would she consider speaking on topics such as child safety, or safety awareness at the school? Training and material can be found at your local battered womans shelter or the police department. Maybe a small step now then training later.

I am sure that by now your wife would have a good idea of what the MA is all about. Unlike us MA fanatics. I would say that there is a great posibillity that she doesn't really want to do it. We all know that she is missing out on something great, but never push her into it because she will feel forced and will start for the wrong reasons. Just respect that she likes different things and that is great. Being female I understand what it is like when someone wants me to do something I am not keen on. I end up feeling guilty because I wont try it. You can see what happens. Hope that helps.:)

Maybe try it in small steps! encourage her to try a one day self defense class?