Alas, I am leaving y'all for a time...

[Sam]

Yes, I really said y'all...

I'm leaving on thursday night (tonight, the 10th) for florida, and won't be back until the 22nd. I may pop in on the 22nd 23rd or 24th, but I will have school on two of those days and I think I may be recouperating and getting ready for my flight on the 25th - for Mexico. I won't be back until the 3rd. so, don't think I've died...

Alas, poor me, having to miss practically a month of Kenpo - and only in my state for 13 days this month. God, my life is so hard.

I'll shut up while I still own all of my limbs.

(But maybe the friends we are staying with in fla have internet? we'll see...)

[mj-hi-yah]

Samantha soak up some sun for me! Have a great time!

[Lisa]

Yes, I really said y'all...

I'm leaving on thursday night (tonight, the 10th) for florida, and won't be back until the 22nd. I may pop in on the 22nd 23rd or 24th, but I will have school on two of those days and I think I may be recouperating and getting ready for my flight on the 25th - for Mexico. I won't be back until the 3rd. so, don't think I've died...

Alas, poor me, having to miss practically a month of Kenpo - and only in my state for 13 days this month. God, my life is so hard.

I'll shut up while I still own all of my limbs.

(But maybe the friends we are staying with in fla have internet? we'll see...)
Florida, Mexico, sun, warmth....*sigh. Yup, best you shut up ;) LOL, as I am waking up to blowing snow, again!

Have a good time Samantha, if you find a way to package some of that great weather, could you ship me some? :)

[shesulsa]

Samantha, enjoy!

[Ceicei]

Have fun, Samantha! Enjoy your time.

- Ceicei

[Chronuss]

if your friends do have internet, why don't you e-mail us some sunshine. :D

[TigerWoman]

Florida and Mexico, ahhh, I can feel the warmth now... My throat is scratchy again from classes and running in and out in this freezing weather!~Or could it be my hubby bringing back a new variety of germ from his music weekend?? Have fun Samantha, and you can always do one thousand front kicks. It only takes ten minutes.... :) TW

[Sam]

hmph. interesting vacation this has been so far. I love second guessing myself incessantly, don't you?

I ended up writing this after trying to figure out my thoughts for hours. I think I basically got it.


Do I do karate for the right reasons? What are the right reasons to do something? If I donate a million dollars to charity, that’s great. If I did it to get recognition and my name in the paper, is it less of a good deed? Yeah, the helpless got the money, but did you ever care about them? If you think it is good no matter what the reason, consider this: some guy helps you with a flat tire. You think he's nice. You go to dinner. Then later you find out he made a bet with his buddy in the car about the next chick they see. He did a good deed, but for the wrong reasons. How would you feel if you were the woman and found that out? If you help the woman with the flat because you’re caring and sympathetic, that’s the right reason - you're a good person. If you do it for a cheap thrill or bet, you're doing it for the wrong reason. Doing the right things for the wrong reasons - it doesn’t really matter that you are doing the right thing, does it? You're still doing it for the wrong reasons. Doing things for the wrong reasons - good people don’t do that. Bad people do things for the wrong reasons.
So what are the right reasons for being in martial arts? Because you enjoy it. Everything else is secondary. No mater how great your fitness is, don't do it if you're miserable.
Until last night, I thought I enjoyed Kenpo. Now I'm thinking maybe I don’t. I started Kenpo in September and starting in October, I went 6 days a week. I thought that I really really liked it. I have not taken a break until this week - I'm on vacation in Alabama and Florida. It's Sunday, and the last time I went is Thursday. When I started kenpo I had a lot of anger issues. I thought I was getting better. Now that I am away from Kenpo I realize what I was blind to in the beginning. I wasn’t getting better at dealing with my anger - I simply siphoned it out into karate. I realized this on Sunday morning at about 3 am when I found myself furious for no disconcernable reason blasting a nickleback cd in my ears.
Now I don’t know if I ever really liked Kenpo or if I just liked the feeling of not feeling angry and hateful all the time. And since I go 6 days a week (possibly only to get rid of my psycho-ness) I start to get these compliments. How I'm dedicated, how if I keep this up I'll be a champ. I like compliments. Who doesn’t? I used to be a gymnast, so I'm more flexible than your average Jane. That mixed with the fact I'm here 6 days a week, I improve pretty rapidly. Comments pop up in class, look how high she kicks, isn’t it weird how she can bend that way? Doesn’t that hurt? Now I wonder if I would try so hard if I didn’t get these compliments. Would I stretch a little bit farther, kick a little bit higher, punch a little bit harder, if no one noticed at all? Would I be here 6 days a week if no one ever saw me, spoke to me? Am I really motivated to do this, or do I just like praise? I would know that I was dedicated because I was in the beginning. It takes patterns and repeated activity of this nature for notice to come your way. But now I realize, maybe I never was dedicated. Maybe I just liked not feeling mean angry and hateful 24/7. If I go to karate 6 days a week for the praise and the compliments and the champion talk, those are not the right reasons. those are the wrong reasons. Bad people do things for the wrong reasons. Am I bad person?? I wish they would stop complimenting me so I could find out.


it bothers me that I don't know if I do things for the right reasons. In my mind, if you do things for good reasons you are a good person. Therefore if you do things for the wrong reasons you are a bad person. Trying your hardest for yourself is a good reason. Therefore trying your hardest for praise isn't. Its a bad reason. I thought I did kenpo cuz I love it. But now I am confused. Am I a good person?


(parts of that sound really really cocky but I hadnt written it intending to post it. But its what I'm thinkin about at the moment)

[dearnis.com]

The reasons we stay in martial arts are often very different from the reasons we start. And I suspect many of us have a variety of nobel reasons in the background- control anger, find our center, gain some measure of inner peace, etc. When I started I suspect I was looking for all those, but really I had just always wanted to be involved in martial arts. Then the workouts became addicting, I made good friends, etc., well we all know how that works.
Well, coming up on 20 years I have travelled the world via martial arts styles; it is still fun (mostly), I still like to train, I still make great friends, but what about the other stuff? I'm still seeking enlightenment, but I think I have learned a thing or two about myself that I wouldnt have learned otherwise.
As to your situation....so you are channeling your anger into a more constructive outlet right now? Great!! Beautiful!! That is the first step to distancing yourself so that you can really work on root causes and deal with it. Step one- it doesnt run your life anymore!
As to wrong reasons- if training is good for you, and makes you feel good, then that is enough of a reason. Honestly, your motivations will change a lot. We are all, at some level, guilty of hey look at me I'm a martial artist syndrome. We all "know" rank is secondary, but watch good martial artists you know and respect getting ready for black belt tests...sure looks like it matters to them, doesn't it? And you know what..it's OK. It's kind of like a kid learning to ride without training wheels...takes some time, a lot of build up, and it is a big deal when it happens. Then some time passes and it isn't such a big deal anymore, it is just another building block.
You probably miss training 6 days a week; I used to be miserable when I would come home from college during the summer and not have the opportunity to train at all. Your body is hooked, and emotionally you like having an outlet for, in your case, anger.
Now, as to praise in class. Hey, that's OK too. Female students with backgrounds in gymnastics and dance make great beginners. They move well, and don't have some of the testosterone issues of male students. Also, as a new student, being able to kick over your head will gain you attention...just a fact of life. The downside is that you may be pushed harder than a new student without this background....and your instructors may expect a bit more from you. In the end that is ok too, a big part of martial arts really is exploring your limits; this is why it is such a good tool/method for self discovery.
I hope this helps you out some; in the mean time just enjoy your vacation, then go home and train hard.
:)

[mj-hi-yah]

Samantha first you are on vacation and sometimes we need our vacations to rest, relax and not have to train/work so hard. You have been keeping a tight training schedule and I think a break for you right now is a really good thing. That is why it is called a vacation. You are vacating from your everyday life - having an adventure. Adventures are a whole lot of fun, but you need balance in life. When I was your age I worked in a candy store. At first it was awesome! I could have any kind of candy I liked and I was allowed to eat my fill, but just like working out or being on vacation you can't live with/on only one type of experience/food alone without getting sick or bored of it. It wouldn't be healthy and because I ate so much candy at once in the beginning, eventually I didn't really want to eat candy anymore, and thought I never would again. I'm glad I didn't hold myself to that because I love chocolate! Enjoy the fun, and when you get back enjoy the training if you decide to continue... but I think you should seek a little more of a balance between working out and having time for other things when you get back.

We may all like to believe that people always have pure altruistic intentions, but most of us have to get something out of an experience in order to engage in the experience. I don't think that is necessarily a bad thing. Often times these things may not even be apparent in our conscious minds. If a person volunteers at an orphanage because they enjoy the love that the children there return to them is that a bad thing? Does it not do greater good to help people even if there is a personal return on the time invested? I think it does. I think as long as the initial intent isn't to hurt another human being and the outcome is positive for all involved - it's a good thing.

Your original intent I think was to attend Kenpo classes to help you deal with your anger - that was your conscious reason for doing so. When you are studying you are able to channel your anger and now you are also enjoying the benefits of the praise you receive from your success in your training. For many people this is an unconscious reason for continuining their training. There is not a thing wrong with that. It is a positive, healthy endeavor...it's helps you with your anger, it makes you feel good that people appreciate your talents. The thing is it doesn't have to be MAs. As long as you find something that keeps you positively engaged and not focusing on your anger it's good. Kenpo has done that for you so far it seems, so I say stick with it if you want to. I agree with Chad that you may change your reasons for doing it many more times in your MA career. Health reasons, companionship, empowerment, eventually if you teach it may become the positive feeling you get from helping others...all good reasons that give a personal return. The thing is without the personal reason for being involved, whether conscious or not, we probably wouldn't do much of anything in life.

You are not a bad person and I believe your intentions are good. Right now, I say have a blast!

MJ :)

[Ceicei]

Samantha,

I started out in Kenpo to deal with anger and fear. As years passed by, my reasons for staying with Kenpo is no longer because of anger and fear. I learned to deal with and resolve these issues.

Now what are my reasons for staying? Yes, because I love it most of all. I live for kenpo. It makes me happy to train and I am miserable when I can't/don't. I enjoy trying to see how far I can go. Previously I looked for external improvement (physical motion). Now I focus more for internal improvement (introspection), although I still work on getting better physically.

As for the attention--I do like the "uniqueness" of being a martial artist--that point is not a major reason. There aren't too many females in martial arts and because of that, we do "stand out". I happen to like attention. If something makes me feel good, why not.

- Ceicei

[Sam]

Don't mind my weird post from before. It's safe to say I was not feeling myself for a few days there.

I'm home I'm home I'm home I'm home YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY~!

I love florida but, MY HOUSE! MT BED! kenpo! yes!