Setting limits

[TheLady]

A couple of women in my office were complaining that one of the older men touches them on the shoulder/arm/back when he's talking to them.

<RANT ON>

What's the point of complaining to other people? :confused:
I said, "Why are you telling us? Tell HIM!" Just tell him you're not comfortable being touched, or that he's invading your personal space or whatever...as long as he knows he's making you uncomfortable.

Will they do that the next time he touches them? Probably not.

<RANT OFF>

Sigh, you can lead a horse to water...


Janice

[Rich Parsons]

Originally posted by TheLady
A couple of women in my office were complaining that one of the older men touches them on the shoulder/arm/back when he's talking to them.

<RANT ON>

What's the point of complaining to other people? :confused:
I said, "Why are you telling us? Tell HIM!" Just tell him you're not comfortable being touched, or that he's invading your personal space or whatever...as long as he knows he's making you uncomfortable.

Will they do that the next time he touches them? Probably not.

<RANT OFF>

Sigh, you can lead a horse to water...


Janice

Janice, I agree.

I have some friends from other cultures then North America, and they touch more then we do. One guy will even reach out and slap your knee when he makes a point, if you are sitting. If you are standing he will do the same to your arm or shoulder. Some people are uncomfortable. I tell them to tell him not me.

No one will know unless you tell them about a problem.

Best Regards
:asian:

[Ceicei]

I'm a believer of handling the problem directly on, whenever possible. If it's a problem, go straight to the source, explain clearly and civilly. Find out the other person's point of view of the situation and work it out.

However, perhaps these people complaining to you of situations that happened to them aren't necessarily looking for a solution. It may be that they are looking for an affirmation of their feelings or to see if others view this as a problem also. They may be just needing an ear to vent.

Now, if you are asking for my take on this situation....

I think that the harrassment angle by society has been taken a bit too far. It is now coming to a point where people have to have a "no contact" bubble around them wherever and whenever and make that fit all situations, regardless.

Not every contact made is necessarily harrassment. What needs to be looked at is the intent of the action. Is it just a simple, brief, friendly touch? Is it a gesture of thanks or appreciation? Is it a sympathetic gesture fitting a difficult situation? Where and how was it made? What were the circumstances/environment/dynamics/setting? What was the intent and purpose? How long did it last, and what is the history between the two (or more) persons? Also consider the ages of the individuals, their culture, and background that may be a part of the equation.

Basically put, we are people, and people are interactive--they usually want to be around some other people and generally some form of contact is involved. I believe there is a quote said by someone (can't remember who), "No man is an island".

I believe contact has a place....I enjoy a friendly hug now and then. My family on both my side and my husband's are affectionate. My children know the difference between affection and unnecessary contact (ie. from others that are inappropriate).

****
In martial arts, there is a lot of contact going on. Contact is a necessary part of the learning process to become an adept martial artist. Again, it boils down to what the intent and purpose is and that there is a clear understanding and expection of contact made between the two individuals.

- Ceicei

[MA-Caver]

I've been accused of being "touchy-feely" a few times myself. But it's the way I was brought up. My parents are deaf and sometimes touch was a way to place empathisis <sic> on what one was saying. Sometime a touch merely conveys what one is feeling without having say/sign a word. It's part of non-verbal communication. Facial expressions and body language are other parts of it.
Living out on my own I had to become aware (slowly) that (SADLY) not everyone is raised up that way. That the touch of another human being however friendly and well intentioned isn't desired.
It says a lot about how that person was raised if they're not used to a casual touch and (to me) it says a lot about our society about how cold and impersonal we've become because we don't want to "intrude" or be intruded on personal space.
I've been told I'm a warm and loving individual and that I'm not afraid to show my feelings because I'm not ashamed of them because that is (part-of) who I am.
But because of society's morals I've had to learn restraint until such a time that the person knows me well enough to know that I'm not trying to cop a feel or intruding or hell, not even attacking.
We shouldn't be afraid of who we are and we shouldn't be always afraid of the other person until they shown themselves that they need to be feared. Cautious yes but fear...no.

One more: I've also participated in several confined space rescues and found that my reaching out and touching the trapped helped calmed them down a hellva lot faster than mere words. Maybe that's different because it's not a life-threatening situation standing around talking or sitting together at a bar having a couple of drinks but I think it does convey just how important physical contact is and how we all really need it, however difficult it is for most of us to admit.

[arnisador]

See also:
http://www.martialtalk.com/forum/showthread.php?s=&threadid=1981

[JDenz]

I have a problem with people that let situations get to the point that this one seems to be at. Instead of saying something people keep it bottled inside. It sounds like it is not anything but an innocent touch, so it doesn't seem like she should have any problem just telling the guy not to. Instead it seems like she is getting more and more disturbed and sooner or later she is either going to have to tell someone higher up or explode on the guy. I really think that communication and tolerance is real low in todays society as well.

[triwahine]

Best thing is to try and talk to the guy. He may, or may not, be receptive to what you have to say. This way, you are saying what is on your mind and might make him realize how annoying it is to you. If that doesn't work, go to your superiors and let them know. Do it in writing. Anyways, best of luck.

B