Ego

Published by Xue Sheng in the blog Ramblings of a Nèijiā Madman. Views: 294

Ego - noun, plural e·gos.

1.the “I” or self of any person; a person as thinking, feeling, and willing, and distinguishing itself from the selves of others and from objects of its thought.
2.Psychoanalysis. the part of the psychic apparatus that experiences and reacts to the outside world and thus mediates between the primitive drives of the id and the demands of the social and physical environment.
3.egotism; conceit; self-importance:


I let my ego get the better of me recently (number 3 of the above definition). The "I have been at this for 2 decades" kind of ego that produces irritation and blocks learning. The, "why is he looking at me and saying this; I’ve been at this longer than he has” kind of ego that is better described, at that point, as arrogance. I was irritated and I honestly had no reason to be, since everything that was said, was not said directly at me, it was said to the group, as a whole, but it most certainly applied to me.

I’m not proud of it, not one little bit didn’t like the feeling during or afterwards and I am not too happy about it now. My only consolation is that I may have been the only one that noticed, or at least that is the story I’m telling myself in hopes that it is true. However even if someone else noticed it is nothing that returning with a better, attitude, a more open mind, less arrogance and less ego won’t fix it. Basically, return with the mind of a beginner, a student, a person there to learn, since in fact that is why I am there in the first place.

But it was not a complete loss, I did notice it at the end of the class and I turned it around a bit then. Also, I learn something and it got me thinking, about many things, one of those being my training; where it has been, where it is, and where it is going.

It may change, although I also find I am asking myself how much I can change it? Or a better question, how much am I willing to change it at over a half century old? But then I also ask myself what about 10 years from now, or 20 years from now, would I be better off, the same or worse, if I changed now? That time will pass whether I do anything or not. But at this time, I am thinking I need to do something different. And this is why, although I am not proud of it, I think this attack of ego might not be such a bad thing, it got me thinking and I learned something.

Well that is all for me for now, later

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